


tyrants

by cookiemustdie



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Asshole Bert McCracken, Bisexuality, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Idiots in Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Multi, Open Relationships, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, a lot of references (?, cringy writing bc im cringy, frank is basically me, gerard is also basically me lolol, kind of, this is a new fandom and im scared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26870950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiemustdie/pseuds/cookiemustdie
Summary: "Nothing's alright, believe meI won't feel the same in the morning."In which Gerard tries to love himself and meets Frank in the process.
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Christa Toro/Ray Toro, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Mikey Way/Pete Wentz
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	1. give 'em hell, kid.

> **_what'd_ _you_ _call_ _me?_ _well_ _,_ _there's_ _no way i'm_ _kissing_ _that guy!_**

"No! Ugh, _Fraaaaaank_ ," Ray complained, watching how the makeup was going in the mirror.

"Stay still!" He held his face and tried to concentrate on his work, which wasn't turning out that well.

"It looks horrible!"

"Shut up! It's supposed to look this way, and you're the one who asked for help, so hush!" 

"... Ew, you smell like alcohol." Toro wrinkled his nose.

"Well, it's Halloween, right?" Frank laughed and gave the makeup some final touches, letting go of his friend's face, and leaving the little brush with green paint on the furniture.

They both laughed, Ray shook his head and checked himself in the mirror once again.

"Well, it's not that bad. With my hair, I could easily appear after you say Beetlejuice for the third time."

The younger boy turned around. "You look great, Raymond." He adjusted his hair, giving it a rather messy look. Unlike his friend, he didn't really have a costume; he'd just put on as much makeup as he wanted, with red eyeshadow and a cross in each eye, and dressed up in some of his favorite clothes. They left the room, preparing everything else for the night, with Frank clapping and rubbing his hands together; of course he was excited, it was his birthday after all. 

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard looked at himself in the mirror again, unwillingly getting ready.

"Whose party is this, again?"

Mikey groaned from another room, putting his costume on.

"I already told you, Ray invited me," he said, closer this time.

"Oh, right... Hey, does my hair look g-?" his question was interrupted by his own laughter, caused by the looks of his brother.

He was wearing a black and white stripped t-shirt, but his torso was covered by some kind of orange plush in a rectangular shape, with the typical pumpkin face in the middle. The whole thing was completed by a hat made of the same material, which ended with a green tip, "the stem".

"Y-you're gonna go dressed like that?" he asked, between chuckles.

"Yeah, what's wrong with it?" he said, angrily. "What are you laughing about?"

"Little brother, the whole point of Halloween is to look attractive, which should be even easier for a _hot babe_ like you," he teased.

"That's not true! Besides, you said it, I've got my natural beauty," he put his hat on, "unlike you, _Bowie_ ," he pinched his nose.

"Mikey, my makeup!" he checked if he hadn't ruined it. "You know what? I bet you're not even going to get laid tonight."

"Mmm, really wanna bet on that?"

"Pff, please, it's not like you already get any _action_ in your daily life, _zucchini_." This time, he earned a tug on his red hair. "Ouch!"

"You'll see, prick."

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Toro's house was already full.

To celebrate Halloween and best friend's birthday, Ray's parents had left the house for him. It's not like Iero's little flat could do.

So there they were, just a couple of twentysomethings, drinking and smoking, along with some classmates from the older boy's college and such.

Frank knew all, if not most of them. The way he was able to socialize with people was amazing. Even more considering that he literally did nothing; just worked in a mediocre supermarket as a cashier, and did what he loved the most in his free time: music. He was always running around with his guitar, having adventures of many kinds, playing in different bands (without being in any, really). But hey, he had fun, a lot. It was what he liked the most, his passion; could be seen from miles away.

Ray wasn't a different case. He went to college, yes; but he was also a dreamer, just like his friend. They both dreamed that one day they'd have the chance to do something big, something important, something that marks people; and, precisely, the oldest was excited. Well, Mikey had a band, and he'd invited him to play around this week. And who knows? Maybe in a couple of days both young men will find their place and opportunity to change their lives.

Who'd have imagined that talking to that kid in economics class would turn out to be so convenient, right?

Anyway, Frank was already quite drunk at this point. He laughed among everyone as he made more drinks, and someone passed him a joint.

_Twenty-three years old already. I should visit mom later._

"Frankie _-e_ ," his best friend called him. He turned around and laughed when he saw him. His makeup was more disastrous than before, especially near his lips. "You see that guy over there?" He pointed out the living room.

Frank noticed a tall boy dressed in orange. A walking pumpkin. "The one making out with Pete?"

"Yup, that one." He drank a little bit more from his glass. "That's Mikey, we'll go to his house for a rehearsal in two days."

"Oh, great," he said, slightly laughing at the sight of a pumpkin and a robot basically eating each other passionately against the wall. "Didn't you say he had a brother or something?"

"Mhm, I thought he'd come with him, let me ask h-"

"No no, Ray, I think he's pretty busy right now, don't you think?"

They both looked at each other and watched the scene once more, laughing out loud.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard wasn't having a good time.

He was a bit upset, embarrassed. All because his dumb brother had gotten what he wanted, just like that, in a shitty pumpkin suit and all. While he just went to the bathroom upstairs, annoyed, _and alone_. He didn't even want to come to this stupid party, he would've stayed in his comfortable bed if he'd known he'd have a bad time anyway.

But no, now he had to be wondering where Mikey was (not that he wanted to find him, quite the opposite), in a house he didn't know, on a birthday boy's party he hadn't even met!

He got into the fancy bathroom, relieved that no one was in it. He looked at himself in the mirror for the hundredth time that day and turned on the tap, bending down to get some water. His throat felt a tad dry, burning, he had drunk a lot (and still didn't hit him enough for his liking).

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and didn't do anything for a couple of seconds, until he took that thing that he wanted so badly out of his pocket, followed by his keys. He looked at the little bag with bright eyes and a smile, put the key in, and took it out; now he finally was with that little powder that gave him so much happiness. He put it near his nose and inhaled it, gasped, and quickly did the same with his other nostril.

His nose burned and his throat became even drier than before.  
But, fuck, it was worth it.

He put everything back to its place hurriedly, eager for the next thirty minutes, or so, in which the effect would last. He'll obviously come back for more, the bag was pretty much full and the night was going to be _extremely_ long, after all.

"Whops, sorry."

_Or maybe not._

He turned around, seeing the strange boy who was against in the bathroom door. He'd seen him before, with his weird red and black makeup, and goofy grin.

"No worries," he said in a rush, wanting to get out of the little room.

They were both pretty high. One was quiet; the other, anxious. They almost bumped into each other again, but Way was able to exit the room successfully.

The door closed.

And, strangely, Gerard wanted to go back.

_He wanted to see him again._

He shook his head to himself, and was starting to leave, until the door opened once more.

The "nameless man" came out, drying his hands on his skeleton t-shirt. His hair was also slightly wet, but his makeup was still mostly intact. It even looked better.

He walked past Gerard, but didn't look at him at all.

And he, either because of the drugs, or because he felt more confident than usual or just because he wanted to, grabbed his hand, making the shorter man look at him.

He took him back to the bathroom, locking themselves in.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"A-ah, fuck yeah," he moaned in his ear.

Their bodies collided; his own was on top of the sink, his ass being held by the strange hands around it. He was kind of uncomfortable, but it wasn't like he cared much either.

He didn't even know his name, but that was something else he didn't care about.

He was rather focused on the cock that was coming in and out of him. He could hear the gasps against his ear, probably fogging the mirror a bit.

The euphoria combined with the excitement was driving him crazy, it was all so sudden.

"F-faster, _oh_." He closed his eyes, and the boy obeyed.

His head hit the glass behind him a few times, his hands gripping the porcelain firmly, making them hurt.

Frank was going crazy, too.

The redhead seemed extremely attractive and mysterious to him, with sparkles all around his face and emerald eyes.

Although, now, his vision was occupied by that phosphorescent hair; that, and his dick, erect between their bellies.

" _Touch yourself_ ," he licked his earlobe. " _Come on, touch yourself for me_."

He groaned and did as he asked. With difficulty, he took his member in one of his hands, stroking faster and faster.

And so they continued.

Slamming,  
slamming,  
slamming,  
slamming,  
and slamming together.

A growl stunned Gerard's ears, who gave one last high-pitched moan, with one of his arms on the brown-haired boy's shoulders, and his other hand (now stained) returning to the hot porcelain of the sink.

It was amazing. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been fucked so well.

_Not even with-_

"I didn't catch your name, pretty boy," the dude spoke, looking at him with a sweaty face and a smirk, still inside him.

Gerard smiled, and was about to introduce himself, until someone knocked on the door.

"Frank, get your ass down here, it's cake time!" The mentioned recognized his best friend's voice and laughed, still a little high.

"Well, Frank, looks like we're done here." Nimbly, the redhead got out of his position and cleaned his private parts.

Frank did the same, watching him every so often.

"You're really not gonna tell me, _Bowie_?" he asked, getting close to his face once more.

'Bowie' just smiled, grabbed his face and kissed him, gently this time. "Happy birthday, _Frankie_."

And just like that, he left, leaving Frank confused on the doorway, who only saw his ass covered by those tight silver pants from behind.

Well, it had been a good birthday after all. Sure, he would've liked to know more about the _little matchstick boy_ (as he'd decided to call him), but it was fine.

He smiled at himself once more, and went down. He had a light hope of finding him in the crowd, singing "happy birthday" to him, but no. He was nowhere to be found.

He blew out the blue candles on top of the little chocolate cake, while everyone was whistling and clapping, grabbing pieces of the food carelessly, laughing.

Already twenty-three years old,  
but there's still a long way to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof  
> omg u guysss, i'm so nervous abt posting this here  
> this is an actual work from my wattpad page - same username, check it out if ur a spanish speaker ;) - and, for some reason, i thought it'd be a good idea to translate it and share it here as well hehe  
> tell me ur thoughts and maybe i'll keep it going!  
> ps: sorry if there's any mistake, english is not my native language, yikes
> 
> \- may 💖


	2. ulysses.

> **_c'mon, don't amuse me._** **_i don't need your sympathy._ **

Frank's room was a mess.

But that was something the rest of the apartment had in common.

"Mmm, stop it, shhh," his sleepy voice whined, grumpily turning his alarm off.

He got out of his bed and started his routine, which didn't really consist of much. Just wash his face and brush his teeth, have some coffee, get dressed and that's it. He'd agreed to meet up with Ray before Mikey's band rehearsal, to calm their nerves a bit. 

"So, you fucked someone in a bathroom without even knowing his name?" Ray wrinkled his nose at the smell of the cigarette Frank was lighting up. "Is that allowed?"

"Yeah... I guess." Frank shrugged. "It doesn't matter though, I don't think I'll ever see him again."

_But I'd like to._

"Ugh, I can't even remember the last time I hooked up with someone."

Iero laughed. "It'll come, Ray."

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Both of them stood still in front of the house.

"Are you sure it's here?" It looked like the average American middle class family household in the area.

"Yup, right where Mikey said." Ray looked at him and pursed his lips, heading to the door. Frank just followed him.

An old, blonde lady welcomed them.

"Oh," she simply said, and before Ray could introduce himself, she screamed, "Mikey, your friends are here!"

Frank tried not to laugh, as he heard the mentioned yelling _'I'm coming!'_. Some rushed footsteps were heard on the stairs.

"Hey," a guy, probably around Frank's age, appeared next to his mom at the door. The woman left the boys alone. "Come on in."

He stepped aside, letting the boys in.

"So, Frank, this is Mikey; Mikey, this is Frank." Ray officially introduced them, and the memory of the boy dressed as a pumpkin making out with one of his friends came to the younger's mind.

"Pleasure," Pumpkin Guy said with a smile. He seemed nice.

Frank returned the gesture, and the owner of the house led them to what appeared to be the basement; which was a little messy, but had style. It seemed to be an old room, no longer in use.

"Gerard will be here in a few minutes, he must be on his way."

"Who's Gerard?" Frank asked, while getting his guitar out of its case to tune it.

"My brother," Mikey saw how he plugged the amp in. "I think he'll like you."

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Half an hour passed, and still the oldest of the Way brothers hadn't showed up.

Some kind of awkward silence had started and increased as time went by. Maybe they talked a little bit about the songs and some other arrangements, but that was it.

Mikey was a blushing mess, extremely embarrassed; he called his brother several times but got no answer. However, he decided to try once more, exiting the room up the little stairs to talk properly.

Both best friends were looking at some details of a song that Toro had practiced a bit, to see if they could add something to it, until they heard Mikey.

"You're old enough to take care of yourself now, aren't you? For fuck's sake!" he exclaimed in a whisper, trying to be as quiet as possible, and stayed silent for a few seconds. "... Well, I don't care! Come however you want, but do it now!"

Toro and Iero were extremely uncomfortable, Mikey just came back to where they were with an irritated expression on his face.

After no more than another ten minutes, the main door above them seemed to open and close, followed by the sound of footsteps. Frank was very nervous and he didn't know why.

Someone hurried down the stairs, and soon the boys found themselves with a redhead that looked pretty familiar to the shortest man in the room.

_Oh no._

"Hey, sorry for the long wait," he simply said with a smile. Mikey rolled his eyes.

"Hi!" Ray saluted and presented himself, brilliant as always. While Frank just stood there, slightly shocked.

"Gerard." The redhead shook his hand with an empathetic smile, turning to see the boy, widening his eyes a bit and raising his eyebrows in surprise. " _Oh..._ "

Iero smiled at himself, maybe this could be fun. "Hello, I'm Frank."

Gerard just pressed his lips together and swallowed hard. They both covered it up pretty well. Of course they panicked at first, but what were they supposed to do?

The older man sighed and shook his head. The two of them looked into each other's eyes with tension, earning somewhat strange looks from the rest of the people in the room. Frank could feel the warmth of the hand around his own, they were almost burning.

However, everyone snapped out of their trance when someone else appeared in the room.

"Yo, Mike!" A man, not much older than Gerard, with long black hair threw himself on the younger brother, who had an even more disgusted face than before.

Didn't this kid have any other sort of expression?

He could see how Mikey saw his brother reproachfully, to which he replied, "What? You told me to come however I wanted to, right?" he smiled cheekily at him.

_Bastard._

But the smile disappeared when the fella got off his brother to now pounce on him, stealing a quick kiss, laughing loudly and confusing Frank even more than before.

"Well, kids, are you going to rehearse or...?" The guy wrapped his arms around Gerard's shoulders, looking at everyone with a smile.

Gerard seemed uncomfortable. Frank was a little shocked, but the smile didn't leave his face. And Ray and Mikey, well... they didn't really know what was going on, they just wanted to play for once and for all.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

The rehearsal had gone well. The band only had a couple of songs at the moment, which they'd already rehearsed with Ray at the time, but now sounded much better.

Frank had a lot of fun. The simple act of playing made him feel alive. But of course, he had a couple of moments of disgust, like when he had to see how the singer sat on that man's lap, giving him kisses and such.

He wasn't jealous, at least not exactly.

It was just that it all seemed like a big bag of bullshit; the way he looked at his "boyfriend" with so much love and devotion lost all validation when Frank remembered that, two days ago, he fucked him in a bathroom. It was even a bit comical, to be honest.

Even more when Gerard played cute, as if he was _superior_ than him.

"D'you think you can play this?" he'd asked him rudely, as soon as the rehearsal had started, handing him some kind of music sheet with messy notes on it.

" _Sure._ " He gave him a short, fake smile and grabbed the piece of paper with some anger.

And he did great, better than any of the presents in the room had imagined. Gerard just smiled and watched him for a few seconds, then started singing.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Bert, as Gerard's partner called himself, had stayed in the basement, while the brothers walked the boys to the main door. Gerard smoked as he watched Frank talk to the other two, excited and saying what a good time he had.

"You're good, Iero," he suddenly said, joining the conversation.

Frank wanted to say something like _'I know'_ or _'I'm good at many things'_ , but he didn't want to be too obvious, nor a jerk. _He wasn't like this douche._

"Thanks," he smiled.

Mikey looked at Gerard, as if he were asking something, to which the older sighed.

"Well," he tossed the butt of his cigarette, "I think we can say that you're now part of the band, right?"

Mikey smiled, showing his teeth for the first time. "Welcome to _the band_ ; we don't have a name yet."

Frank and Ray's eyes widened and a huge smile appeared on their faces.

" _ThankyouThankyouThankyou!_ " They were fucking euphoric. And thing is that, after going through so much shit in their lives, something good had finally arrived, something that seemed to be big.

They all said their goodbyes with joy. Frank even gave the redhead a quick kiss on the cheek in the heat of the moment, leaving him somewhat spellbound.

"And?" Bert asked once the brothers returned to the house.

"I think it's safe to say that we have two new guitarists."

" _Aw_ , that's great, love." Bert kissed him once more, and Gerard couldn't help feeling bad again, guilty.

Even though they'd already agreed on what kind of relationship they had, he couldn't help but think about the consequences of having accepted that _dwarf_ into the band; how would he deal with being with his boyfriend and... _him_ , in the same room?

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"I fucked him."

"What? Who?" Toro stopped laughing as they walked to his friend's apartment, and looked at him confused after the sudden confession.

"Gerard." Frank kept looking at the road ahead as if nothing had happened.

"You- I- _WHAT?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow shocker  
> honestly i don't think anybody is reading this, but it's still fun to do it oof,,, sorry if there's any mistake tho  
> if you've come this far, tysm!!!  
> pls pls leave me a comment or kudos, i'd very much appreciate it :((
> 
> \- may 💖


	3. i bet you look good on the dancefloor.

> **_without a sound, yeah, you're calling me and i don't think it's very fair._ **

"Fuck, _Bert_ , ah," Gerard grasped his neck, almost clawing his nails.

The man between his legs was going in and out of him, abruptly. Gerard just limited himself to moan, _he'd missed him too much_.

Bert always disappeared. Sometimes, Gerard went along with him; sometimes, he didn't.

Sometimes, they'd just run off, going from town to town, none of them memorable, and none of them that remembered them either. They just fooled around, drank, took drugs.

They even took turns; Gerard snorted, Bert pinched himself. A habit that his boyfriend didn't really appreciate much, but what could he do?

He wouldn't deny he quite liked the marks he had around his tattoos, the purple color that stood out in little dots of different sizes. Adding, his long, jet-black hair, his lips, his lewd gaze, his beard, everything; ever since he saw him for the first time, right after he started college, when leaving a store that was on his way. Of course he didn't have that sort of education, he didn't do anything. He looked tough, a bad boy; hood on, bermuda shorts that revealed his hairy legs, and an angry looking face. Gerard asked him for a cigarette, trying to be as casual as possible, with his bag full of papers and pencils hanging off his side. Bert just smiled at him, and held one up for him. And Way just knew, _he was the one_.

All his life, Gerard had only been with high-school jerks, guys he didn't really risk anything with, nor did he feel anything for. Sure, he had had butterflies in his stomach and stupid smiles; but they never lasted, they never stayed. Not for too long.

But, _him?_

_This guy? Oof._

Who else could make his stomach turn with just the snap of their fingers against metal, with a characteristic curve on the corner of their mouth?

Not long after that, when Gerard turned twenty and Bert twenty-two, they began living together, the youngest leaving his parents' house basement to go share a flat with the love of his life.

It was like being in heaven, "the honeymoon phase".

Kisses, hugs, gentle touches, songs, naps, fucking, dancing, drinking.

Ah yes, the chemicals appeared little by little. Starting off as a recreational thing, but they've tried everything by now. McCracken did just about everything with him, and he loved it.

He made him cum like no boy had ever done before, and with drugs on it was even better.

But _snow_ was the youngest's favorite; the feeling of euphoria, and forgetting - not caring about anything else. Except for Bert, of course; who was more into having eternal naps every time he had a chance, injecting that brown element from an old spoon.

Gerard hated needles, but would stand anything to make him happy.

They created a bubble, their own world, where no one bothered them. They had quite a few permits. Bert wasn't the jealous type, as long as there wasn't a more sentimental or emotional attachment, he didn't mind having someone else take his place in bed from time to time. And neither did Gerard, or so he said.

Truth was, he also hated finding other people's marks on his neck, or other people's smells. But at least he "hurt" him back, made him pay for it. And they both knew that. And it didn't matter.

Because they'd always,  
_always_ ,  
run back into each other's arms.

"Like this, _do you like it?_ " the older man growled in his ear. His long hair seemed to suffocate them both, Gerard's legs ached.

"Yeah, yeah, I like it, _ah..._ " he kissed him with tongue, almost clashing their teeth.

Bert put his hands on his knees, stroking and pushing them as he kissed back, going faster.

Gerard broke away and rested his head on the pillow, feeling his boyfriend mark his neck, returning to the previous position and putting his hands on his hair.

He wanted to feel him everywhere. He hadn't seen him in a week and a half, which was a lot for them.

He made himself believe, especially at times like this, that they were still on their "honeymoon". That everything was fine. That it was normal to find the older man overnight at the door of their home, all bruised and barely breathing. That his heaven wasn't really hell, full of syringes and little baggies.

He exaggerated his moans in an attempt to silence his thoughts.

The heartache, the guilt, the addiction, the toxicity, Frank.

God, _Frank_.

That kid was even ruining him the only time of the day he could have sex with his boyfriend.

Sex.

Frank.

Having sex with Frank.

He had sex with Frank.

Oh, yeah...

_'Come on, touch yourself for me.'_

Unconsciously, he put a hand on his member, jerking off instantly. Suddenly, he was in that bathroom again.

He frowned at the thought, or rather, memory.

"You... good?" Bert had stopped a bit, looking at him confused with his legs still on his shoulders.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes." He didn't know if he was trying to convince Bert, or himself.

He bit his lip and kissed him again, moving his hips and moaning into his mouth, which encouraged the previous movements to return.

"Agh, Gerard, baby."

And, after a few more thrusts, the game was over for both of them.

Bert told him that he loved him, kissing his jaw, to which Gerard responded with smiles and more of the same.

He did love him, and he did have an orgasm with him.

But _that dwarf_ still didn't leave his head at all.

With Bert still on top of him, resting on his chest, he turned his head to his side and saw his cell phone glowing and lying on the nightstand.

_Shit, not again._

"Fuck, I forgot," he looked at his boyfriend, "I have to go rehearse." He took advantage of the fact that the older man had gotten up a bit, and, in one agile movement, sat on the bed, dressing quickly.

"Again? So early?" Bert complained, lighting a cigarette on the bed.

"It's the same time as yesterday, love. And, Mikey's gonna kill me."

"Mmm, when will you be back? We haven't spent that much time together lately."

_Yeah, that's because you left all of a sudden, again, you asshole._

"Look, Mikey said that we're going to a bar tonight, that a band he likes is going to play there, or something like that. Come later and let's go together."

McCracken smiled at him, he was so cute. " _Okaaay_ , text me the address later. Meanwhile, I'll go to _sleep_ for a bit.

Gerard knew what he was referring to, but when he saw him wink at him after nodding at his… _belongings_ , he couldn't help feeling sick.

Still, he rolled his eyes and then smiled, kissed him, and left.

He hadn't told him about Frank.

But did it matter? It wasn't like he was in love or something.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Again, what are these guys called?

" _Fall out boy_ , and I'll kill you if you do anything to embarrass me, Gerard." Mikey hit his shoulder from the passenger seat.

Frank laughed, he liked Mikey. He already knew the whole band, and he knew well that the reason behind the nervousness of the youngest of the Ways was due to a certain bassist whom he'd kissed on his birthday. However, he shut his mouth and kept his thoughts to himself.

The rehearsal had gone well. He and Gerard exchanged a couple of glances, but nothing else. Frank wanted to talk with him about what happened, but didn't have the guts to do so; and he thought that, over time, it'd stay in the past, period.

He was at the back of the car, next to Ray, who was in the middle followed by Gerard, being behind Bob, who was driving while yelling at them to shut their mouths.

Bob Bryar was the drummer of the unnamed band. He was a bit of an idiot but he was alright, mostly.

After being beaten by his brother, Gerard looked at Frank with a funny face, to which he laughed again, blushing slightly and looking out the window, hiding like a teenager. Gerard wasn't a different case, he looked at the back of his neck from afar and bit his lip, suppressing a smile and also guiding his gaze to the landscape outside. Ray was uncomfortable, having to be between them.

Finally, they reached the bar. The night was beautiful. Mikey almost ran out of the car, with a huge smile on his face.

"God, what's up with him?" Bob asked.

Gerard grinned cheekily. "I think someone's waiting for him, or something."

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard was biting his nails, staring at his phone.

He'd sent the address to Bert hours ago, and he hadn't even seen it. He remembered the little bag with the brown powder that was inside his pockets, _fuck_.

"Hey." Frank approached him, making him start a little and put his mobile away in his jacket.

"Hey."

"You having a good time?"

"Mmm, not really."

He did like the band, and also to see his brother in the front row with his apparent... _boyfriend_ or whatever. But, he just wasn't in the mood.

"Yeah, me too." Frank seemed to read his mind. "Would you like to do something?"

"Like what?" He took a long sip of his beer.

"I don't know, whatever you want."

They looked into each other's eyes for a few seconds until Frank smiled and looked at the band playing a few feet from them, breaking the moment. They were really good, people shouted and danced to the sound of the blond singer's voice.

_'So you need them just to get by..._ _Why don't you show me little bit of spine you've been saving for his mattress, love?'_

He shook his head. "You wanna dance?"

Gerard bit his lip.

"Sure."

They left the beers on their table, following the rest of their bandmates, who were each minding their own business. Frank laughed when he saw Ray talking to a girl, maybe his time has finally come.

Already being in the middle of the dance floor, both began to try to follow the lyrics of the song, jumping around with laughter. Gerard guided his gaze, seeing how Iero looked at the band a little more focused, a bit of sweat formed on his forehead, there were a lot of people. Way sighed unconsciously, seeing how the piercing at the corner of his lips gleamed, he hadn't noticed it that well until now.

_'Dance, this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loved me.'_

Frank also turned his gaze, confirming that feeling of being watched by the older man.

Gerard smiled and got closer to him, dancing to the guitar solo. Frank accepted the invitation, clinging his chest to his back; Gerard rested his neck on his shoulder, feeling hands wrapped around his waist.

_'Why don't you show me the little bit of spine you've been saving for his mattress?'_

Frank's warm breath hit the back of his neck.

'I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me.'

Suddenly, just as quickly as the song's bridge ended, Gerard broke away from him, and grabbed his hand, pulling him across the dance floor toward an uncertain destination for the shorter.

Quickly, they were in the men's room.

_Of course._

Gerard wasted no time, kissing him desperately, grabbing his hair and sighing as he felt the metallic taste of his lip ring collide with his tongue.

"Mmm... Would your boyfriend like what you're doing?" He separated their slight sweaty faces, gripping the side of his jaw with his hand, passing his thumb over the corner of his mouth.

"If _you_ like it, it's more than enough for me," he said between sighs, grabbing his thumb with his tongue, sucking it.

And boy, did Frank like it.

_He really did._


	4. after hours.

> **_but if you close the door, i'd never have to see the day again._ **

_'Dark party bars, shiny cadillac cars_  
_And the people on subways and trains'_

Gerard strongly inhaled his second line, which disappeared from the sink, going straight to his body.

_'Looking gray in the rain as they stand disarrayed-'_

" _Oh, but people look well in the dark,_ " Bert sang softly from the kitchen, having his second coffee of the day so far. "You have to go buy ham or something, love, I'm starving," he informed his partner, standing in the bathroom door.

Gerard washed his face, it was lunchtime.

"You know you don't have to do that, right?" He was wiping his face while Bert spoke to him. "It's not like I've never seen you get high before, or vice versa." He had a smile that Gerard could appreciate better once he approached him, casually caressing his hair.

"Yes, I know, it's just that I needed one as soon as possible," he gave him a little kiss.

"Mhm... Gee, the food?" he wrinkled his nose and looked at him pleadingly. _The Velvet Underground_ was still playing in the distance.

"Ugh, okay okay. But only because I'm having a boost of energy, alright?" he squeezed his cheeks and went to get his jacket to go out.

_''Cause if you close the door,_  
_I'd never have to see the day again'_

"I wonder why that is." Bert was still leaning on the door, Gerard showed him his middle finger. "Take care, okay?"

_'I'd never have to see the day again, once more-'_

Gerard smiled at him and left the apartment, the vinyl playing the band's self-titled album finished.

_'I'd never have to see the day again.'_

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

The day was pretty sunny, nice to be in the middle of fall.

He was walking a little fast; he was a little anxious, obviously.

In no time, he reached the store, his red hair slightly messy from the wind.

He only bought the essentials, as there he didn't have much money. At the moment he was kind of unemployed, as always, rotating from job to job that lasted no more than three months. He had more or less 'finished' his career, of course; but he should've listened to his dad, _'Fuck that, you'll starve yourself to death'_. That, adding that his boyfriend was basically useless and a dealer, also working with Jepha (a friend) and selling from time to time, they barely had to survive. But it was enough, after all.

Bread, ham and cheese, altogether with a few cans of beer, of course.

Quickly, he was already in the queue to pay, until he recognized who would attend him. _Shit_.

"Wow, you keep bumping into me, _how cute_."

"I just came to buy some stuff, Iero," Gerard said reluctantly, looking at the floor.

"Mhm..." Frank passed the bread first. "Why didn't you show up at rehearsals this week?

"Why should I?" he said, mentally kicking himself when he realized what he'd just said.

"Uhh... because you're the singer of the band, don't you think that's enough reason?" he passed the dairy.

"Ugh, I know, sorry," he passed his hand over his face, "I've been busy."

"Yeah, I bet," the characteristic ticket sound stunned him, "How's Bert?" And only then did he see Frank properly, who was wearing a green T-shirt, with red embroidery and that stupid smile on his face.

Gerard made a face, _'don't fuck with me'_.

"What? I just said his name," he answered, as if reading his mind, and squinted innocently and showed him the ticket, showing the total price.

That was the problem. Gerard didn't like to even think about his boyfriend when he was with Frank. It felt... _weird_. Still, it happened, obviously.

"You know...? I'm not a whore, Frankie." He gave him ten dollars.

"Oh, _you're not?_ " They looked into each other's eyes. The youngest kept the money, giving him a one dollar bill back.

Way remembered the last time he saw him, in the bar. The meeting had been a bit... intense.

_"H-Harder?" Frank was surprised by his demand; to be in this position, he was going as hard as he could, even more so than at the Halloween party._

_"Yeah... Come on, Frankie, fuck me harder," he stroked his hair. Luckily, the place was small, so much his feet touched the wall. He wasn't high this time, so he needed something more... severe. "Do it until I ask you to stop, please. Until I can't take it anymore, uh..."_

_And Frank, as if by magic, complied._

_That night he discovered that they both had something in common: they loved to dirty talk each other while having sex._

The redhead swallowed hard and shook his head, grabbing that damn dollar. " _No_. I've already told you how open relationships work, but I don't expect someone like you to understand."

Frank's smile became more incredulous, ironic and surprised.

Before he could say anything, Gerard left with a, "Oh, and Bert's great. See you."

He'd gotten defensive,  
_how cute_.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Frank, c'mon, put that down," Ray pleaded, joystick in one hand.

"It's just band stuff, Ray, don't get the wrong idea." Frank typed a quick message on his cell phone.

"Make a group chat for all of us, then."

Frank laughed, Ray didn't.

"Oh, you're serious."

Toro growled.

Frank ignored him and saw how his recording was delivered in Gerard's chat. They'd been talking about a new song, the calmest one so far. Actually, they'd already done a demo with Ray, one day Frank couldn't attend the play due to work; but still, he showed his contribution, asking for his opinion.

He left his phone charging and went to sit with his best friend, grabbing his joystick to play.

Ray stared at him.

"Please, don't sleep with our frontman anymore."

"Ugh, Ray-"

"I'm serious! I know how you get with these things, Frank, and I'm asking you not to fuck everything up."

"How am I supposed to fuck everything up? I haven't seen him for days." He remembered their meeting at the supermarket.

"Right, but don't keep on fucking him."

"... It's not like I'm forcing him or something."

"Just don't do it, okay?! Trust me, _you'll thank me later_."

And then, finally, they started playing a random video game, with a bit of tension that fortunately went away after a few minutes.

However, Frank spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about what his friend had said.

He was right, Iero was pretty sensitive when it came to love. However, this was not the case; Gerard was a great fuck, but that was it.

Frank was aware of reality. He had a boyfriend and, even though he didn't understand much about their type of relationship (and that, personally, he'd never apply in his own love life), it was apparently stable.

So he decided to take Toro's advice, at least partially.

_Don't raise your expectations._  
_Go on, but be careful._

It was already clear to him, it's just sex, what was the big deal?

Gerard would never be his anyway. Not even in his wildest dreams.


	5. i'll try anything once.

> **_that's not just friendship, that's romance, too. you like music we can dance to._ **

In the end, it didn't matter much what Frank thought or wanted.

Since, as long as it's not about band stuff, Gerard hasn't spoken to him in the last month and a half.

Christmas was coming, and with it the slight success of the band. With the few songs they had, _My Chemical Romance_ seemed to have a small but solid group of fans who saw them at every bar or small stage concert they had.

The name had been thought up by Mikey, who, apart from Ray, seemed to be the most coherent and lucid one in the group so far. It was just like any other winter night, they'd stayed to rehearse until very late. The Way's parents weren't home, so they decided to have a little fun.

When Ray asked him why, Mikey simply said, "Are you kidding? Look at us, it's perfect."

And so he did, watching how Gerard walked out of the bathroom upstairs, coming back down while wiping his nose; Frank and Bob were drunk and playing random shit on the drums for the redhead to join them later; a piece of paper with some green content that Iero had left on a small table was still there.

Mikey was right, _it was perfect_.

Frank remembered that night too. He and Gerard had laughed like idiots the whole evening, happy to finally have a cool name to start playing with. Their happiest moment so far.

The youngest was no fool, he knew he was ignoring him. Still, he was oblivious to the reason why; he may have an idea, yeah, but he wasn't sure.

And the truth was, Gerard was terrified. Only a month had passed and the boy seemed to be impregnated in his head, all the time. What was he supposed to do? Throw his almost four year relationship away?

No.

He was so convinced that Bert was who he should be with. He was the only one who'd stayed with him, no matter what. Of course, he had his flaws, like everyone else, so what?

He loved him, and no dwarf would end that, _not now_.

Frank was his bandmate, someone he could most likely be friends with, but only that alone. So, he waited for the feeling to go away, and it did. Or rather, he burried it, _made it go away_.

That, and adding that things with Bert were increasingly tense, as always, made him consume more.

As mentioned earlier, it all started as something recreational, something to sweeten the occasional nights. Very slowly, the longing and withdrawal that sweetness caused him began to increase.

 _Who cares_ , Bert gave him more, satisfied his desires. To finally end up falling completely in the last two years. And he needed more and more, because once two lines become insignificant, _you have to increase the dose_.

Then, the constant anxiety caused by the thought of his boyfriend leaving him all of a sudden again, and having to see the tattooed man almost every day of every fucking week, led him to be more active.

And skinnier.

And dumber.

But it didn't matter. This allowed him to keep going, it kept him alive. No one asked questions, not in his presence at least.

Still, he had no culprit. It wasn't anyone's fault, much less Frank's. No, _Frank was good_.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

On this particular day, Gerard was a little bit distracted.

Well, whenever Bert didn't come, he was.

In the beginning, his boyfriend always showed up at the little gigs, waiting for him to kiss and congratulate him. Rarely did he not go. But those few times have been increasing in the last few weeks, making Gerard need at least a couple of beers before a show. Luckily, it wasn't very noticeable. And besides, _it wasn't his problem_.

Mikey was his brother, and Bob seemed to know him before he did. _Why should he care?_ As long as he didn't make the show a disaster, it was okay.

"... _Trust, you said, who put the words in your head?_ " He liked the way he sang, and the way he thought (or how he showed it in the lyrics).

It was so tragic and dramatic, but Iero loved it, this was the perfect band for him.

Another night, Bert hadn't come, and it was somewhat painful to see how the singer looked for him with his eyes, singing a little bit lost and then screaming with anger.

" _Oh, how wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying_."

Frank went along with him playing the guitar, moving around the small space available, a bit aggressive. Passionate.

Everyone was sweating, their shows didn't last long, either because they didn't have that many songs and/or they weren't such a well known band (they didn't even have an album yet), but they were intense and ended up tired.

" _Just because my hand's around your throat...!_ " After the last chorus, Gerard finished with his characteristic shout, and then thanked the small audience that didn't stop screaming.

They left, each one put their respective instruments away. Way went straight to the bathroom.

Frank looked at him strangely, why wouldn't he stop going to that place?

He shrugged, and decided not to care about it.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

He was drinking his fourth beer already. Mikey was watching him from afar, with slight anger.

"You're not going to do anything?" Bob asked, incredulous. Mikey shrugged, falsely unconcerned. "Ugh, he can't go on like this, _not again_."

Gerard was drinking like crazy, going back and forth on the spot. From the bathroom to the bar, and vice versa.

Ray wasn't even paying attention to him, but Frank was a little worried.

 _Whatever_. He got up from his place, leaving his drink there, barely touched.

"Gerard," he called him, but he was distracted by the band that was playing, the one that went after them. "Gerard!"

The mentioned finally turned around. "Huh?"

"Come on, let's go."

"Where?"

Frank grimaced, and tried to grab his arm.

"No, stop it!" He pushed him away as if he'd tried to hit him or something. Ray started paying attention, but just because he didn't want Frank to end up with a black eye or something.

"Fine... But at least let me have that." The boy made a movement to take the small bottle from his hand.

"No! This one's mine." He drank the content inside and left, Frank followed him. His voice sounded sleepy, drunk. "Ugh, what do you want, Iero?"

"I want you to stop, okay? Give me that."

"I told you already, fuck off!" He turned around abruptly and pushed him hard, throwing him to the ground. Some people started looking at him. " _Frank..._ "

"Hey!" Ray went to where they were like a lightning bolt. He looked at Gerard with some contempt and helped Frank up, who told him he was fine and not to worry. "Be more careful."

"I-I'm sorry." The redhead wanted to cry, out of nowhere. "Frank, I'm really sorry."

"No biggie," he wiped his butt, the floor was dirty. "Now, can you give me that, please?"

And, for some strange reason, Way calmed and gave it to him.

Ray rolled his eyes.

 _These kids are going to kill me_.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"You're so pretty, Frank."

Well, after all, they all ended up drunk. But Frank negotiated with Gerard, and let him drink some more, as long as he didn't disappear out of nowhere. He didn't really know how to control these things.

Everyone present laughed at his comment, Frank blushed. The ones that remained were Bryar and Toro. Mikey had left a while ago, along with his bass and Pete.

"I'm serious! Look at this man, with all those tattoos..." The redhead ran his index finger through the ink on his neck. Frank pushed him away, laughing.

Half an hour passed, in which the drummer and guitarist left the bar in Bryar's car, leaving them alone. Ray promised to take care of Iero's guitar until he'd pick it up at home.

"Come on, let's go." Frank got up clumsily.

"To your house?" The boy nodded.

It was already one in the morning, for sure. Frank's flat wasn't far, but in these conditions it was better to call a cab. On the trip, Gerard put his head on his lap, making him a bit uncomfortable, but let him be there, staring out the window with a smile.

He could feel his eyes on him all the way.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

They got in with difficulty, but got in nonetheless.

Gerard looked at everything carefully, a bit dizzy, but still trying to memorize the small apartment. He liked it.

Frank couldn't believe how he was still standing. Exhausted, he went to his room, taking advantage of the fact that Gerard was entertained to change his dirty clothes.

He took off his T-shirt and ran his hands over his face and messy hair. He was very drunk, he shouldn't have accepted Gerard's proposal, Ray was right, why had him even taken him here-?

A pair of lips settled on his nape, gently.

" _Gee..._ "

He felt his lips curve into a smile.

"I like it when you call me that." He turned him by the shoulders to face him, and kissed him on the lips. It wasn't desperate or anything, it was rather slow, dedicated and loving.

Frank was trying to break away, but his body seemed to do nothing but accept one of the best kisses someone had ever given him. His hands were on his waist, trying to push him a little, but Gerard's were caressing his neck, never wanting to end this.

"Gerard... No..." Frank kept insisting, but also did Gerard, kissing him all over his face and neck.

"Why not?" He licked his scorpion tattoo.

" _Ah..._ You have a boyfriend, goddamn it."

"Still hung up on that? Frankie-"

"And you ignored me for almost two months." He broke away completely from him, at last. "So, go to sleep." He turned around to get into his bed, thinking how lucky he was, since the mattress was big enough for them to sleep apart.

"Frankie..." And again, those arms surrounding him, those lips insisting. "Come on."

Frank smiled, _he was needy_. He turned around, and almost laughed when he saw Gerard's hopeful eyes light up.

"I'll tell you what... You leave your boyfriend and that's it, problem solved. Only then, _once you really, really like me_ , will you be able to fuck me. For now, let's go to sleep."

He obviously didn't mean it. It was a joke, a joking promise; a promise he'd surely break eventually. Well, Gerard, with or without a boyfriend, appealed to him way too much. And the redhead man himself didn't seem to care that someone else was waiting for him at home, so he couldn't care less, really (especially if there already was some kind of consent from Bert beforehand).

He just did it to annoy him, tease him.

_Still..._

"But that's the problem, Frankie..." The mentioned growled slightly, tired of listening to his drunken monologue, he just wanted to go fucking sleep.

_Still..._

"I already like you... _a lot_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow shocker
> 
> thinking abt the first time i posted this chapter on wattpad and ppl started freaking out bc it reminded them of the frerard fight,,,,, huh
> 
> what do you guys think?
> 
> ((stream sorrows))
> 
> \- may 💖


	6. leave before the lights come on.

> **_'cause then you don't have to see what you've done._ **

_He'd had a fantastic night that, for the first time, hadn't involved sex._

_He kissed and caressed Frank all night, until they fell asleep staring at each other. He felt like a teenager again, living what he never did in his high school years._

He thought he'd hear demands, such as 'where were you?' or 'why are you coming home so late?' and all that shit, as soon as he got home. But they never came.

It didn't matter, he didn't remember anything anyway. Or at least that's what he said and made himself believe. _Of course he remembered._

It was early, the sun was barely rising. He made as little noise as possible, taking off his leather jacket, while he watched his boyfriend sleep peacefully on their bed.

Maybe too peaceful.

He stared at the dirty syringe on the nightstand for a second, quickly looking away. Bert's arm was slightly bruised.

_'I already like you... a lot.'_

Finally, once again, he was in a T-shirt and boxer. It was cold, but the older man's body would warm him up, as always.

He sighed, _he screwed up. He really had screwed up, Frank probably remembered it too. What was he supposed to say? If he'd already been a pain in the ass, now everything would be much worse._

_Dickhead._

_He remembered that Frank didn't answer him anything, he didn't let him. He attacked his mouth the second he confessed, he wanted him._

_Whatever, now. Frank was drunk, too. He already had an alibi for not bringing it up, at least._

He settled on Bert's chest, who moved to settle next to him. They both wrapped themselves around each other; Bert wrapped his arms around his shoulders, Gerard hugged his hips.

But he couldn't sleep instantly. Bert's body always made him comfortable. It was like his home, his happy place. But today it felt different.

_He wasn't like Frank, not at all._

_It wasn't like his small body, so comfortable and tiny to hug; but at the same time, so agile to be able to dominate and put him on his place, changing positions, making him feel safe, with no choice._

His eyes filled with tears, and once again glued on the filthy artifact that gave his boyfriend happiness. He was afraid, he felt scared. He didn't know if it was the drugs, Frank, Bert — he didn't know anything.

He just let two tears slowly run down his face, dabbing McCracken's shirt, sniffing.

He closed his eyes, ignoring the whole thing.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

He would've insulted the chirping birds if he hadn't woken up in such a good mood.

But his momentary bliss seemed interrupted again, as the cause of his unconscious smile was missing. His outstretched arm was only found with cold sheets. He opened his eyes, the sun was already up, entering through a small window in his room. His body was sensitive to the cold, and his head was spinning.

Not only because of the hangover, but also because he didn't see the redhead next to him.

Please, he'd confessed that he liked him last night, _what the hell?_

He stroked his forehead in frustration, then threw his arms to his sides. He scanned the room a bit, his gaze on the nightstand. _There was something lying there._

He sat up quickly and grabbed the note that Gerard had apparently left;

_you look pretty when you're asleep._

Frank smiled, and turned the paper over.

_i just realized that sounded creepy asf. i'm not a weirdo, iero, don't worry._  
_i'll call you later, x._

_\- gee._

Frank smiled even more, and got ready for the rest of the day, doing his usual routine, waiting for Way's phone call.

But he never got it.

Not that day, nor the next, and nor in what little was left of the month.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

 _Christmas' Eve_ , Frank was drunk at Ray's house. There were a couple of other acquaintances of his, laughing and having some quality time, but not him.

He was an idiot, _of course Gerard hadn't changed. Why would he call him? He was still the same as always. Gosh, why did he even care? He was so naive to think that-_

"Hi," a brunette pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Hey, Jam."

"Mmm, don't you think you've had enough?" she asks, pointing to his glass, to which Frank shakes his head, making her laugh. "You okay?"

"Oh yeah, _I soon will be_ ," he answers, sighing.

"What's up?" she insisted, worried.

Jamia Nestor was one of the sweetest people Frank had ever met. They went to high school together, with Ray; and when he met her again in college, the friendship continued. She always made him laugh and feel better. They were quite close. Over time, they sometimes find themselves in situations a little more... _compromising_. But it was all casual, fortunately. They both were really aware of their feelings, so it ended up being physical, and healthy.

Still, Frank felt like a hypocrite; complaining about Gerard. But, hey, _at least he wasn't playing with anyone's feelings_.

"Hmm, just the usual shit, I think." He looked at the floor and tried to change the subject, not even he himself knew why he felt this bad. "How are you?"

"Well, I'm trying to make use of the little time I've got with my friends at Christmas."

" _Jaaam_ , don't do that."

" _Come oooon_ , we haven't seen or talked to each other in forever, let's go." She pushed him with her shoulder to where the rest of the people were.

"Ugh, but don't lecture me just to make me feel bad."

"I didn't say anything but the truth." She smiled while Frank reproached her with a pout. He was like a kid who couldn't get what he wanted. "You coming?"

The boy grimaced and then accepted her hand, taking it and letting himself be dragged.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Dinner was quiet, except for the noises Bert made while eating.

"Mmm, my God, this is great, Donna," he exclaimed, with a giant piece of chicken in his mouth. Way's mom just smiled, a bit uncomfortable.

Her husband unfriendly looked at him, and cleared his throat to speak.

Gerard sighed, _here it comes_.

"So what have you two been up to lately? Gerard, did you see that job thing I sent you?"

"Uh... yeah," he said, barely audible. Donald looked at him expectantly. "They haven't called me yet," his father sighed, "but, we're fine, right?" He looked over at his boyfriend, to which he nodded while he continued eating. "Besides, with the little gigs we're doing lately... I dunno, it's extra money."

His mother awkwardly looked at her side; and his father seemed to grip the silverware tightly, angry.

He didn't like Bert, _Gerard could do better_. But fuck, they always had the same stupid fight since the, now red-haired man, had started college; it was no longer use. However, he could feel that something else was wrong... Something more disturbing. But no matter how insistent he was, he'd never say anything to him; he'd always been good at hiding things, _lying had become his specialty_.

"Don't you think, Mikey?" he looked at his brother for help.

"Mhm, yes, of course I do. But we haven't done anything for like two weeks now, right?" he ironically said, eating his salad, earning a hatred and surprised look from his brother. He threw him under the bus, _that fucking big mouth of his had_.

"Two weeks? What are you doing then, Gerard?" his mother asked, worried.

"Well, it's not like _I_ don't have a job, huh?" Bert began to speak, wiping his mouth. Gerard now turned to him. _Shut up, you twat_.

"Oh yeah?" His dad raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

Gerard talked too fast.

"Bert's a cashier."

"I'm at a gas station."

 _Shit_.

"He's a cashier at a gas station, hahaha," he laughed nervously, McCracken just let him speak. "One that's close here, downtown. Haven-..." he ate some food, "... Haven't you seen it, dad?"

_He was so good at hiding things._

Mikey slowly shook his head, an incredulous look on his face. Even though he was about five years younger, he considered his older brother a true idiot, so immature.

"No, I haven't seen it," Donald had a sarcastic tone. However, he changed the subject and let things pass, he wasn't going to ruin Christmas.

By the time they finished, the brothers offered to wash the dishes, their parents and Bert stayed in the living room, with Donna trying to think up ways to lighten the mood.

"I can't believe it. You're so fucking selfish, you know that?" Gerard was angrily washing the dishes, at a rapid pace.

"Oh, I'm the selfish one? Really?" Mikey threw a plate into the sink, almost breaking it. "Gerard... You're the one who insisted on doing this project, and, just right after two weeks you stop coming to rehearsals? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

_I don't know._

"And on top of that, you bring _him_ home?"

"Hey, leave him alone." He stopped what he was doing to see his younger brother seriously. "He has nothing to do with all of this."

Mikey almost burst into laughter. "Have you even seen the way you look like in the mirror today? Gerard, you're definitely not doing well, and it shows."

"Wow, you really do pay attention to everything, huh?" he dried his hands, "And, let's see, since you happen to know it all, what exactly is wrong with me?"

"I don't know. You might be affected by the fact that your boyfriend's a fucking junkie, just like you."

Gerard turned off the tap, staying hard on his place.

"What, you think it doesn't show? That I don't notice every time you go to the bathroom? That I don't see the way you walk, act...? Gerard," he grabbed his brother by the shoulders, facing him, " _have you seen yourself?_ " he repeated, stunning his brother's head with such a simple question.

"Mikes... I- _I love him_ ," he said, shaking his head in the process and breaking away.

"Gee-"

"No. Please don't ruin this for me, no more than it already is."

The younger of the two watched as he disappeared through the small door that led to the living room. He stayed in the small kitchen for a moment, forcing himself not to cry.

He'd promised himself to stop trying. Obviously, this wasn't the first time he'd tried to help his brother, he always ended up being pushed away, ignored. So... he just stopped doing it, trying that is. However, that feeling in his chest stayed; the fear that one day they'd just call him, saying that Gerard was gone, was horrible. But he accepted it. Not because he didn't love him, but rather, he accepted that Gerard didn't love himself, not one bit. Still, he wished and asked, whoever's up there in heaven, his brother could open his eyes one day.

Or to someone to finally come and open them for him, please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there's any mistake!  
> (this fic is trash lol)
> 
> \- may 💖


	7. genesis (interlude).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so uh,,,,  
> this one's pretty shitty but basically we learn a little bit more abt gee's past... yeah idk don't hate me
> 
> sorry if there's any mistakes!
> 
> \- may 💖

Gerard squeezed his eyes shut, the sun was pretty heavy.

He rode his bike reluctantly, but fast, he was running late. His long black hair covered his eyes a little, but he pushed it away.

He finally made it to his school, secured his bike and entered the building. _Joy Division_ was still ringing through his headphones.

_'Lights are flashing, cars are crashing_  
_Getting frequent now'_

He calmly walked through the corridors, which was crowded with students, greeting each other and such. He had no one to say 'hi' to.

_'I've got the spirit, lose the feeling_  
_Let it out somehow'_

It wasn't like he didn't talk to anyone, or that he was bullied or something. He didn't feel much, to say nothing at all. He'd only been with guys, who eventually made him meet more people; but, as long as they weren't his 'partner' or whatever, Gerard wasn't interested.

However, there were a couple of exceptions.

" _Heeeey_ ," Lindsey, her math and history classmate, sat at the desk next him. Her lips were extremely red for just nine in the morning. Gerard smiled.

Lindsey Ballato was his only friend. They'd met last year, but Way considered her a sister. The brunette just started talking to him little after the beginning of high school; well, let's just say that the boy had... some kind of reputation. It seemed like, ever since he'd turned fifteen, he'd never been by himself, there was always someone else (mostly, men; though, he didn't dislike girls either) in his life. Although he didn't get attacked by it, people did talk. But luckily, he only got some insults from time to time.  
Instead of pushing her away, the whole thing made Lindsey like the boy even more; she wasn't a saint either, and besides, Gerard was a funny guy. They protected each other. 

Ballato sort of lived up to the stereotype of "not being like the other girls" on the internet, but she was genuine, it wasn't embarrassing. With her, he felt like he could be himself.

"Jamie doesn't stop looking at you."

"Mmm?" He looked up from his lunch, class time had passed so fast he didn't even notice.

"Pay attention to me, dummy." The girl drank her bottle of water. "Uff, _Cookie's_ pretty annoying, huh," she said, referring to their classmate again.

The black-haired man smiled at the boy who was watching him from afar, biting his lip.

"Ew, don't, he's gross!"

"Ah, don't exaggerate. He's pretty cute."

"You find everyone cute, Way, fucking bitch." She pushed him playfully. He returned the gesture, laughing.

He obviously knew she was joking. The most ironic thing was that, even though he'd kissed several boys at his school, he hadn't slept with any. At least not exactly.

Unlike his friend, he was a bit more of the romantic type. He wanted to wait for someone special, someone who really loved him. He had his boys, but none got that far.

_'Someday, and when you least expect it, it'll come.'_

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

 ** _a year later_**.

He'd turned eighteen last month.

He looked at his brother with teary eyes, his fingers clenching and shaking a little nervously. He hated hospitals; hated how ironic they could be, as well as life. He'd gained one more year from it a little over three weeks ago, it wasn't fair that now it decided to take away someone so important to him.

Stupid cancer, what a cliché.

Yes, of course he was distressed. But he knew his grandmother's wishes. She wanted to be remembered in an epic and noble way, not lying down with tubes all around her. Gerard completely agreed.

Still, it really hurt.

She was the person who most inspired him and, obviously, supported him to be himself; to ignore the rest, as long as he's happy.

One could say that he and his brother were considered a little... outcasted. The "weirdos", if you could put a name on it. Although (until now) they hadn't suffered any kind of bullying, or anything, luckily. People said they were childish, always fantasizing about comics and music; for Mikey it was normal, he was younger. He'd been a bit taken aback by the fact that his brother was beginning to change his image, and reputation. But hey, who was he to judge and bother him? Gerard could be really obnoxious when he wanted to; and it was a sad thing that they didn't spend so much time together anymore, but it was normal. Mikey was just about to turn thirteen.

Still, they were brothers and they loved each other. At times like these, it was when it showed the most. He adored his little brother.

"I don't want her to go yet, Gee," he whispered, barely audible, between the black-haired man's arms, who was comforting him.

"Me neither, Mikes, me neither," he replied, stroking his hair, looking at nowhere specific.

After a while, the younger one fell asleep in his arms. Gerard sighed as he held him, watching his parents get to where they were; it was finally visiting hours. The brothers had been waiting since they left their respective schools.

"Do you want to go first?" his mother asked him softly, to which he nodded.

He let his mother hold his little brother and, after having the doctor's approval, he entered the room, a tad nervous.

She was awake, but not as radiant as ever. Her illness was already on an advanced stage, she didn't have much left; she herself had asked not to continue any kind of treatment, _what for? It no longer made sense._

"Hello, dear," she greeted his grandson with the best smile she had.

"Hi, grandma, how are you?" There was an uncomfortable looking chair next to the gurney. He sat down and grabbed her hand.

Elena just laughed. "How's school going?" she changed the subject.

He replied it was okay, holding back the tears that had formed in his eyes when he heard her voice so... moribund.

After talking about trivial things, such as whether Gerard was dating someone or how the lady was spending her stay in the hospital, she asked him, "Come here, lie down with me." And he obeyed, lying down as delicately as possible, scared that he could break her, that she'd go away. "It's coming, Gerard. One of these days, your grandmother will be gone." She took his hand.

He just stayed hard in his place, finally crying now, looking into her eyes; she smiled with pity, also crying a little. It was inevitable.

"I want to tell you something." She stroked the boy's hair. "Please, never forget who you really are. I know I've already told you that so many times before, but I really don't want you to forget it."

Gerard closed his eyes shut, this kind of parting was killing him. His grandmother's words rarely made sense anymore. This was the most coherent thing she'd said in a long time, and to think that maybe it was the last time it would ever be like this... broke his heart.

"There's a lot of things I couldn't do, either because I didn't have the talent or the time to, but you... are young, and creative. Use that to your advantage, okay?"

He just nodded, slightly.

"And remember that love's the most important thing ever, Arthur. Surround yourself with people who are really worth it, who truly deserve you, who really love you. Don't be stupid," she seriously said, she rarely called him by his middle name. "At the end of the day, it's all we've got, what we have left."

He nodded once more, and hugged her carefully, crying and repeating over and over again that he didn't want her to go away, like a little boy (after all, that's what he was).

That was the last time he spoke like that to Elena.

Two days later, she was gone.


	8. these days.

> **_and if there is a voice in your head don't listen to it._ **

"You okay?" Bert asked against his skin, kissing his shoulder.

"Yeah..." Gerard shifted a little to the touch, looking at his side of the room.

New year, new life.

They were now in the first week of January, it was cold.

He'd greeted the new year like all the previous ones; high as a kite and fucking his boyfriend, great.

He really was happy, seriously.

He closed his eyes as he felt Bert's tongue caress his skin, gasping in satisfaction. This man was insatiable, and the worst part was that he made him feel the same way every time they were together.

"No...-"

"C'mere," the older man demanded, turning him over, positioning himself between his legs nimbly.

"Love..." he called him, still he moved his head so that he could kiss his neck better.

"Mmm, your hair's losing its color," he said, playing with his blurry red locks.

Gerard bit his lip, and moved his hips to create friction between them, his hands still positioned on the man's shoulders.

Everything was going well, but Gerard's ringtone interrupted them.

"Fuck."

"Leave it." McCracken continued kissing his neck, grabbing his thighs.

Gerard groaned and reached the nightstand.

"Fucking leave it." His boyfriend grabbed his face and tried to kiss him forcefully, but Way dodged him.

"It could be important, wait."

Bert groaned and jumped off of him, letting him get up to grab his cell phone, mentally preparing himself to insult Mikey, or whoever the fuck was calling, for having pissed off his precious boyfriend.

"Hi, what's the matt-"

" _Hello, Gerard,_ " he recognized Frank's voice instantly, interrupting his aggressive greeting, " _how are you?_ "

Way swallowed hard, turning to see his irritated boyfriend lighting a cigarette. The boy's tone was dry, it seemed more of a question out of courtesy than one with real interest.

"Fine. What happened?"

" _I dunno if you saw the group's messages, but I was just calling to remind you of today's rehearsal."_

Good God, of course he'd seen the group's stupid messages. They angered him; come on, he missed a couple of rehearsals and everyone started losing their shit? _Please_.

However, he was glad to hear Frank's voice, and part of him believed that the younger man had called him with an excuse, just to hear him.

" _I'm just hanging out with the boys, y'know. And they remembered and, well, I had to call you_." Once again, Iero seemed to read his mind, even though they weren't face to face.

 _Ouch_ , had he really just called him for that? Besides, why were the boys hanging out without him?

He tried not to overthink it, he wished he could be insensitive (more than he already was, or appeared to be). "Sure, okay. I'll be there, don't worry."

" _Great_."

"Bye, Fr-" And before he could say goodbye, the boy hung up suddenly.

Gerard made a sad face, and put the device down.

"Who was it?" He startled, he'd forgotten that Bert was even there.

"Frank, for today's rehearsal."

"Ugh, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. They're so annoying, huh." He turned off the cylinder about to finish and turned to his side to kiss his jaw again.

Gerard was still with the same sad face, the kisses didn't make him feel any better.

"Love, shall we... continue?" His boyfriend looked at him in the eye.

He blinked a few times, trying to snap out of his trance. "Sure."

Minutes later, he was lying on his belly, with Bert going in and out his ass. Gerard kept staring at his nightstand while the body above him moaned.

It was physically pleasent, yes.  
But his mind was elsewhere.

Having sex had always been a good distraction, but now, as much sighs and moans come out of his mouth, his eyes were still on his locked phone.

_Call me._  
_Call me._  
_Call me._  
_Fucking call me, damn it._

His hand tightened on the sheets, and his mouth fell open in an 'o' shape. Desperate gasps came out, he wasn't enjoying this, not really.

He wanted Bert to fucking cum already.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, moving his hips against him, giving him what he wanted. It didn't take much for the oldest to drop his load inside the condom.

Gerard opened his eyes again, his breathing stopped and he also came, but it wasn't enjoyable; just rather a physical reaction, something that had to be done, _something that he had to do_. It didn't matter if he was conscious or not.

Bert sighed and threw himself on the other side of the bed, letting go of his hair. Gerard felt his vision get blurry; he felt used, covered in semen.

He managed to get up and muttered that he was going to bathe, Bert said it was fine.

He closed the door behind him, glanced in the mirror for a moment, then quickly turned on the shower, wiping away his tears.

Although it was in vain,  
he cried throughout the whole cleaning process.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Wow, that was fast." His brother opened the door to his old house.

"Yeah, well, I had nothing else to do, so why not come back from the long vacation?"

"Pff, _it was a vacation for you, that's for sure_."

He knew it was a joke, but it didn't feel good. Nervously, he went down to the basement with Mikey. After almost three weeks, he was finally going to see him.

He was out of breath when he saw him there, sitting on his individual couch, genuinely laughing with Ray. Hearing them, they both turned around; Frank's laugh changed to a smile, and then to just a slight grimace.

"Hi, Gerard," he greeted in a friendly, but serious, tone.

"H-Hi." God, did he really just stutter with Frank? He felt like a teenager, with shaky legs.

"Hi," Ray joined in, trying to make the atmosphere less awkward.

Iero bit the inside of his mouth, looking at him up and down. "Shall we start?" he proposed casually.

Gerard broke the moment and looked away, nodding nervously. His brother sighed.

"Let's begin with 'Early Sunsets'?"

"'Early Sunsets'?" the not-so-redhead asked, confused.

"Yes, the song we did together, remember?" Frank spoke as if it were obvious, Gerard frowned. "The one I sent you... I don't know, three months ago?"

"Yeah, whatever, let's do it." Way remembered the song and sat down with the boys. He could feel disapproving looks on him, but what else was he gonna do?

He could really use a line right now.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

So, here they were again; Gerard smoked while the rest of the band went their own way.

"See you on Friday, okay?" Mikey greeted them, both brothers were watching the two friends as they left. "What's the matter with you?" 

"I'm fine, and you?" He frowned when he saw Frank with someone else, and before his brother could protest, he asked, " _Who is she?_ "

"Huh? How could I know? Does it matter?"

_Of course it mattered._

Gerard didn't know where all this sudden sensitivity was coming from; he didn't know if he wanted to cry about the horrible experience he had this morning or because he finally realized he'd fucked up things with Frank.

Or maybe it was something from before, _something he had deep inside of him_ , he couln't tell.

His brow furrowed even more when he saw the short-haired brunette kiss him on the cheek, Frank responding with a smile. He put an arm around his friend's shoulders and left with her, both of them laughing at something, while she wrapped hers around his waist. Everything seemed to go in slow motion.

"Gerard."

"Sorry, what? I didn't catch that."

"I didn't say anything, are you okay?"

"Yes." He finished his cigarette, Frank and that girl had already left.

"... Are you high?" His brother looked at him with doubt.

"God, Mikey, no." _I wish I were_.

"Then what's wrong? Don't tell me you already fell in love with Frank."

"What? What're you talking about?" The two entered their house.

"Come on, Gee, it really fucking shows." The youngest went to the kitchen to drink some water. Gerard looked at him with no expression, still a bit shocked.

'In love'? That was a pretty strong statement. Of course he liked Frank, and there was definitely some kind of attraction, but love?

No.

With Bert there was love, Frank was just a... friend.

A special friend.

Besides, as much as he wanted to go further with him, he couldn't. There was always an obstacle, and right now, he was it. _He_ was the obstacle, it was _his_ fault.

However, he didn't think they were that obvious.

It seems he said the last thought out loud, since before he knew it, his brother told him, "For God's sake, Gee, you look at each other all the time. But, if I may be honest, I found out thanks to Pete, at the first Fall Out Boy's concert we all went to. You don't know how embarrassed I was to hear him say 'looks like your brother is having a good time, eh' while pointing at you coming out of the bathroom with Frank, ew."

"Oh God," Gerard covered his face with shame, "sorry."

Mikey burst out into laughter. "It's nothing, big brother. But... what're you gonna do with Bert?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you do have a boyfriend, remember?"

"Yes, and? I'm just fucking Frank occasionally, Mikey, don't misread the whole thing."

"Mhm, _and how's that going, huh?_ "

His brother was smart, maybe too smart.

"Don't fool yourself, Gerard, there's no need to make everything so complicated."

_But it was really fucking complicated._

Mikey looked at Gerard, who was still not speaking, sighed, and put his glass on the counter. He approached him.

"You'll regret letting more time pass, Gerard, trust me."

God, since when was he such a good counselor of love?

"Seriously," he said when he saw his brother's scowl. " _Do it before it's too late._ "

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Oh, fuck, yeah... God, Jam," Frank moaned in her ear, to then get out of her and lay down beside her, panting. "Could you... you know?" He turned his head to see her.

"Yeah, yes. I would've told you if I didn't," she gasped, and pushed back the hair from her sweaty forehead.

Frank leaned over to kiss her jaw quickly and stood up, making her laugh.

"... That boy, the one with the... hair," she started saying as Frank prepared something on his dresser, already with his boxers on. "Was that Gerard?"

" _Yep_ ," Iero simply replied, licking the paper and making a perfect cylinder. He turned around and noticed that the girl already had one of his large T-shirts on, along with her underwear.

He loved spending time with her. She was like her best friend, apart from Ray. So funny and understanding; there was a time when they did hang out, but it didn't really work. Labels weren't their thing, it wasn't what they wanted. So they stayed with the whole 'friends with benefits' thing instead. But they really were just that. There were no confusions or feelings, it was great.

"What, is he like your boyfriend or something?" she asked while he smoked, with one elbow resting on the bed and her hand supporting her head.

" _Nah_." He handed her the joint.

"But would you like him to be?" The brunette took a drag.

Frank sighed. "If I say yes, would I regret it?"

Jamia laughed. "Maybe... but not because of me."

"Thanks," Iero said, sincerely. "Still, I hardly know him, really. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"So? Since when does love have a logical explanation whatsoever?" Frank made a face, _this has turned way too cheesy_. "Besides, you're young and you barely had a couple in your entire life, it's normal."

"We're the same age, Nestor."

"Women are more mentally mature, Iero."

The brown-haired man laughed along with his friend, the drug was already affecting them a little.

"I don't know, let's see, what do you like about him?"

"I don't know... He's very attractive, but also... there's something else." He looked at the ceiling, thinking. "Something in his voice, in the way he sings, in the way he acts when he's with me; something that makes me not want to leave, that makes me play his little games like an idiot."

They passed the joint a couple more times, in silence.

"Well... You're definitely screwed, Iero."

Even though the two of them were joking at the time, Jamia was right.

However, the rest of the afternoon was used for both of them to get distracted; getting high, eating, and finally watching a movie.

At around seven in the afternoon, Frank walked her to the door of his apartment.

"See you on Friday, right? At the concert."

"Pff, 'concert', it's just a small gig in a bar."

"Still! Please don't forget about me once you become all famous, Frank." The brunette hugged him goodbye.

"Never. Take care, yeah? Text me when you get home."

"Okay, dad," she playfully said, and then left.

The guitarist closed the door and leaned against it, sighing. He was exhausted.

_'You're definitely screwed, Iero.'_

Fuck.


	9. take me out.

> **_i know i won't be leaving here with you._ **

"You are taking care of yourself, right?"

"Yes ma, don't worry." Frank piled up some dirty clothes, with his cell phone between his head and shoulder. " _Belleville_ is not that different from _Kearny_. Besides, I was born here after all."

"But still, I don't know what you do in those gigs of yours."

Frank laughed. "There's nothing to worry about."

"Mmm yeah, sure, you keep saying that. I'm just trying to take care of you, okay? I don't want you to end up like-"

"I know, mom, I know." The boy tensed. "Don't worry, seriously."

For a second, a handful of childhood memories came to his mind. He shook his head.

"Anyway, how's everyone doing there?"

"Well, the same as last week, son."

"Well, I'm just trying to be nice." Linda laughed softly.

They talked a little more; once again, his mother asked him to be careful tonight. He'd already told her they were going to have a concert on Friday. Frank thanked and greeted her lovingly, then hung up.

On his way to do the laundry's, due to the lack of having his own washing machine in his small apartment, while listening to The Cure's most known songs on Spotify, he couldn't help but think about his mother's comment.

Maybe he should go see his father, it's been a long time.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Bert woke up with a loud gasp, coughing a bit. He uncovered himself from the sheets. It was winter, but his body was boiling.

"Gerard?"

His boyfriend was in the bathroom, resting his hands on the sink while breathing heavily. Bert approached him with sorrow, and hugged him from behind, he was trembling.

Gerard pulled away from him abruptly. "I can't take it anymore, we need to do something. I could, I don't know, I could-"

"Gee..."

"We could call Jepha, he owed us a favor anyway, it can't be that expensive..." he desperately said, his boyfriend grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to calm him down.

"Gerard." The mentioned sighed and closed his eyes, receiving a kiss on the forehead. "Calm down, _I'll go out tonight_."

"What? No."

"Come with me."

"I have a gig tonight, Bert, I can't just leave the boys like that, they already despise me enough." He walked to his room, frustrated.

They'd run out of drugs. The night before, the oldest had come up with the wonderful idea of distracting his boyfriend in the best possible way, his favorite one.

_'It's early,' Gerard complained, but in the end accepted the offer._

They didn't have much left, so they were taking care of their consumption. But it was never really enough. Once you get used to it, it becomes a necessity.

"C'mon baby, come with me. We'll be back before you know it. I don't think you want to wait that long, do you?"

Gerard sighed, defeated. He needed it, not to feel up, but to rather feel normal. He ran his hand over the back of his neck, he was sweating way too much for barely the second week of January.

"Okay," he sniffed, "but come tonight, please, come see me."

"Of course I will." He hugged the boy, but he had no reaction.

That was another lie, Gerard knew it.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"What happened to him? He looks like shit." Pete grabbed his boyfriend by the waist, nodding at his brother.

Mikey groaned and got up, walking over to the redhead biting his nails.

"Gerard."

"Hi!" He smiled, quite falsely. He'd arrived early, since he didn't want to fight with his band mates, especially if he was going to disappear all of a sudden. "How are you? Do you like my hair? I retouched it yesterday."

"Yeah, it looks nice. You good?" He sat next to him.

They were all in some kind of little backstage, among people they didn't know much about.

"Yes, why?"

"I don't know, you seem nervous."

It was abstinence, thank goodness they were in a bar.

He drank some of his beer. "Nah, I just want to finish this already. Who's missing?"

"Ray and Frank, Bob has already set his drums."

He huffed when he remembered how much the brown haired man had annoyed him for being late, _what a hypocrite_.

But the feeling didn't last long, soon the two best friends appeared, along with two other girls, Alex Kapranos' voice soon acting as a soundtrack, echoing in the bar.

_'Oh you know, you know you're so sweetly'_

Frank looked great, it seemed that happiness radiated from his body. And Ray too, getting closer with a girl he didn't recognize; Iero was holding hands with the same brunette from last time, who now had a hat on.

_'Oh you know, you know, I know that I love you -_  
_I mean I, I mean I need to love.'_

Gerard seemed to have his eyes glued to the newly arrived group, and such detail didn't go unnoticed for Mikey.

"Oh my God, _I was right_ , you're jealous."

"No, no-" He turned to speak with his brother more seriously.

"Yes, you are!"

"Ugh, fuck off, Michael."

"Hey, don't be mad at me just for being right."

Please, it wasn't jealousy.

At least not exactly.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard had done pretty well for being a bit drunk.

If their songs naturally had screams on them, tonight's sounded angry, furious. Thank God, Jamia was present; after all, she was one of the reasons behind his anger. See her there, amid the crowd, smiling at Frank, who played with a smile.

Had he lost him?

Had he already lost his chance?

Goddammit, he didn't even know what was going on in his head; chance of what? They'd only slept together a couple of times, keep your shit together, Gerard.

However, he finally seemed to refocus when he saw a boy with long hair in the crowd.

_He's here, he'd told the truth._

Unconsciously, a smile lit up his face.

Who cares about Frank, Jamia or whoever? Bert was here.

His boyfriend was present, looking acceptable, encouraging him from the small audience.

He mentally thanked Ray for choosing this song for the end; this was, indeed, the best day ever.

" _Someday, this day, we kept falling down_ ," he sang as he looked at him, but another voice joined him, slightly taking him out of his trance.

" _Someday_ ," Frank sang in the background. He didn't look at him or anything, but Way still frowned.

" _This day, set the ferris wheel ablaze_." Why did he feel so confused? He was supposed to be happy to see Bert here, right? " _You left my heart an open wound, and I love you for..._ "

He turned his gaze to the front, to the people dancing, jumping, screaming; to Bert, drinking like crazy with a smile.

" _This day, someday, we kept falling down_ ," the rest of his band mates sang along with him, but the feeling inside his stomach continued.

He turned his gaze to Frank, their eyes colliding. Was he looking at him too?

" _One day, this day, all we had to keep us safe_." Shamefully, he looked back to the front. " _And if we never sleep again, it would never end!_ "

He felt the man's gaze on him, but he didn't want to respond to that. He just kept on singing, ignoring the confusion and the sudden unexplained emotions.

" _Well, I thought I heard you say to me, 'we'll go so far, far as we can and I just can't stay, one day we'll run away!'_ "

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"That was so cool!" Jamia congratulated her friend with a hug.

"Thanks. Ew, I always end up super sweaty." He pulled his hair back. "Hey, have you seen Gerard?"

"No, but I noticed he was acting a bit weird up there, is he okay?' Frank shrugged, he'd noticed it too. He began looking for him. "Well, I have to go, I've to get up early to work tomorrow." Frank growled, making her laugh. "Tell me what happened to the _little matchstick boy_ later, aye?"

"Sure, see ya."

And so they sailed their goodbyes with a friendly kiss on the lips.

Frank kept looking for the redhead with his eyes, turning his body around. He saw Ray with Christa, his new girlfriend, and Mikey with Pete, both couples kissing. Bob rolled his eyes while sipping on a mojito, Frank chuckled at the sight. He didn't want to interrupt any of them, so he kept looking by himself.

He was a little tired, he wasn't going to stay much longer, so if he didn't find the redhead to ask him the reason behind the radical change on his almost perfect performance tonight, he'd leave soon.

He didn't even know why he cared, not even Mikey was looking for him.

He sighed and went to the bathroom, wanting to pee first, he'd been dying to since the beginning of the show.

Without thinking twice, he made his way to the urinals, releasing his system as he closed his eyes. His tranquility was interrupted by a strange sound.

 _Sniff_.

"Ah, fuck."

He opened his eyes, frowning, _Gerard?_

"You good?" He heard another voice ask, it sounded familiar.

He zipped his jeans, and turned around, walking slowly and sneakily to that cubicle.

"Yes yes yes, oh God... Thank you, I really needed that."

He'd already reached the door. It wasn't closed, he could see a fine line that marked it was open; he raised his hand and pushed, very lightly, hardly noticeable. _He needed to make sure..._

He saw the boy he was looking for, with one of his keys up his nose, it being wrinkled with his eyes closed. Gerard put a hand over the area, squeezing and wiping his nostrils with the back of it.

Frank was speechless; once again, his gaze collided with the singer's.

"It's nothing, love." Bert's voice was heard once more, his back was sure to be at the door, that's why Frank couldn't see him.

But it didn't matter, his mind was focused on the way Gerard looked at him with what seemed to be sadness, he didn't know if his eyes were watery because of that or because of _something else_.

He decided to just leave. It had been a long night. Many things — memories he'd decided to erase — ran through his head.

Such was his fatigue, that he didn't know why or how the tears came out his eyes on the way to his apartment.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard was shaking, again.

He could finally feel the cold hitting him and his fine clothes; some cheap black jeans, a short striped T-shirt, and his leather jacket. Bert held his hand tightly, guiding him quickly to the station platform.

"Bert, I don't know if this is a good idea."

"What're you talking about? We always do this." They continued walking towards their train. "Besides, you didn't seem to disagree earlier, what's the matter?"

"No, I know. But I started thinking and- and, what are the guys gonna do? Mikey's gonna panic, he's gonna think I got kidnapped or something."

"Gerard, you can call them there, we did this a hundred times, they'll understand."

_But..._

"Come on, let's go." They'd already arrived, the other man's hand had his just drawn tickets. "Nothing bad's gonna happen, Jepha already gave me money, I even had enough to give you some coke already; what are you complaining about? We'll be fine."

His unoccupied hand continued to drag him.

"I don't know." Gerard looked at the floor, closing his eyes. _Why was he crying?_

Mccracken's smile slowly faded. "Hey... Don't... Don't do that, love." He caressed his hair. "We'll have a great time, come on, _we need it_."

Way shook his head, sobbing.

_Why the fuck are you crying? Stop it._

"I-I can't do this, not anymore."

"Why? Because of Mikey?"

Gerard smiled sadly; yes, he didn't want to disappoint his brother, again. But also... there was Frank, _as always_.

He remembered his sad expression mixed with disappointment, seeing him in that state.

"I can't, Bert, I can't." He tried to walk away, but his boyfriend took him by the hand again.

"Please, I love you, get in, I-"

"Why don't you come down?" His tone took some firmness out of nowhere, although the tears kept running down his face. "Come here, let's go home."

Bert stared at him with his mouth ajar.

" _Don't be stupid_ , Gee, come on." He pulled him, but the redhead made weight with his feet.

"Is it that difficult for you to do it?" Way was already starting to get angry. "Are you really happy, living like this? _Aren't you tired?_ "

Bert became impatient, it was almost time for the train to close its doors. He didn't even know where he was going, he just wanted to leave this place.

"What if... What if we stay clean? Like, _really clean_." Gerard looked at him with bright eyes.

"We already tried that, Gerard, come on." He tried one more time, the doors were almost closing. But he got tired when, again, his boyfriend stayed on his place. "You know what? Fine, _stay here and be stupid._ " He let him go with anger, and grabbed his small bag with the clothes he had.

Before he knew it, the doors were closed on his face, and his eyes were teary, again.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

_'Get clean', what an idiot._

What a fucking idiot he was, thinking that things could change. Although what he had said to the dark brown haired man was true, that he couldn't take it anymore, he blamed himself. For feeling that way, for being so goddamn weak.

Nothing and no one had stopped him before, what the fuck was wrong with him?

He kept on crying like a scared kid, covering his body with his hands, one of them holding his bag.

He didn't know where to go; normally he would go home or, in the worst case, ask Mikey for help.

But he didn't want to go to any of those places. He knew that he'd think of Bert in any of them and take even more bad choices, _as if it were possible_.

It was one o'clock in the morning and he was walking in the dimly lit streets of his hometown, with no clear direction.

He recognized this neighborhood, it wasn't that far from his own home.

 _Of course_.

He kept moving his feet on that path to which no one knew that he sometimes dreamed of returning to.

He stopped when he reached his destination, and rang the bell a couple of times; 1st A, despair had returned.

"Mmm, hello?" answered a sleepy, irritated voice.

"Hey, it's Gerard, c-can I come in?" He cried, inevitably. " _Please_."


	10. young.

> **_another day goes by, and where was i?_ **

"There, you good?"

"Yeah... Thanks." Gerard moved between the sheets, waiting for him to join him to sleep.

"'Kay... Call me if you need anything, yeah?"

"Wait, you- you're not sleeping here?" _And there it was, that stutter again._

"I'll use the couch, that way you'll be more comfortable."

"That couch is smaller than your bed, Frank, c'mere." He moved a little to a side of the bed, giving him more space. The younger boy huffed, but accepted the offer anyway.

They both stared at the ceiling, in the middle of the dark, with a bit of space between their bodies.

Things had turned out a bit... weird, and rightly so.

Well, it's not normal for someone to ring your doorbell at midnight, especially if it's the boy you'd decided to start avoiding a few hours ago.

_Lucky me._

Awkward or not, he couldn't leave him alone in the middle of the night like that. So he opened the door for him as an act of pure sympathy and compassion, he wasn't a bad person.

He let him come in, pressing the button next to the phone on the wall, and waited for the man to arrive. Two knocks on his door were necessary to let him know; he looked bad, sad.

Gerard threw himself on his arms as soon he had the chance, making his body tense. He didn't really hug him back, just wrapped his arm around his shoulders, leading him inside to close the door. Way began to mumble something about Bert while crying. The boy asked him to calm down, and that later he could explain himself better, that now the good thing was that he was safe; he asked if he wanted him to call Mikey or someone else, to which he quickly shook his head.

He poured him some water and left the room for him, which was in vain because now the two of them were sharing the bed.

Frank had his eyes closed, trying to sleep, he'd been interrupted after all.

"Frank?" _Dammit._

"Yes?" He opened his eyes.

"Can we... Can we cuddle?"

Frank sighed, his voice was shaking again, _whatever_.

"Sure, c'mere." He turned and stretched his arms, quickly the older man was between them, crying once again, squeezing the body back.

However, Frank didn't feel so uncomfortable now, he tried to calm him down by gently stroking his back. His body was warm, their legs were barely touching. He would've fully enjoyed this, in a normal situation.

But this wasn't the case.

"I'm sorry," Gerard said, grateful to be with the lights off, he didn't want Frank to see him crying again. "I'm a real jerk, you don't have to say it."

"Gee, it's okay, you didn't really do anything to me."

"I didn't call." He was silent for a few seconds, in which Frank swallowed nervously. "I didn't call, I'm a coward, a fucking coward. I'm no use, I'm useless, I'm horrible, why did you even let me in-?"

" _Gerard_." Frank held him by the cheeks, running his thumbs through his tears although he could hardly see them. "It's done, it's over, _you're not horrible_."

Gerard closed his eyes with a sad smile, relaxing at the boy's touch.

"Now, what happened? Tell me."

Gerard opened his eyes back, watching the yellow light from the street pole in the distance.

"Bert left, as always." Frank frowned, Gerard still had his eyes glued to the window (he didn't want to face him). "And... And I don't know when he'll return, or if he'll ever come back this time. He was ranging; I pissed him off, Frankie. And I don't know what to do," his voice cracked again. "I barely have any coke left, I don't know what to do, Frank, what am I going to do? What am I supposed to-"

His voice stopped when he felt his lips kiss his forehead softly, his hands still around his head. His mouth let out a sigh, his eyes wide open looking at Frank's neck.

"I'll tell you what you're going to do now, okay?" He broke away from him to look into his eyes. "You're going to sleep and tomorrow we'll find a solution, yeah?"

If it'd been anyone else telling him this, Gerard would've probably sent them to hell; either because they were too corny or because he felt they weren't listening to him, that they wanted him to shut up.

But this didn't feel like that,  
so he nodded.

Frank hugged him by his own choice this time, and Gerard relaxed to the touch, feeling those fingers caress his red hair.

" _Tomorrow's gonna be a new day_ , Gee, I promise."

And so they slept like babies all night. Calm and without haste.

And their bodies didn't break apart at any time, not even a little.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard inhaled deeply, opening his eyes. He found the room lit up by the sun and the bed empty, it must be late.

His eyes fell on the other's nightstand, noticing a piece of paper; he smiled unconsciously.

_went to work, i'll be back at six._

_don't do anything stupid._

_p.s: you look cute asleep too, psycho._

_\- frnk_

The redhead blushed and stretched his arms to then get up. He didn't bother to dress his lower part; in fact, he grabbed a black hoodie that was on the floor. He'd seen it on Frank a couple of times, so he didn't hesitate to put it on his cold, just awoken, body.

He got out of the little room, eyeing the rest of the place as he walked down the hallway, this was the first time he was in during the day. He arrived the studio apartment that formed the kitchen and the living room. There was a small TV, on a piece of furniture no bigger, that was full of trinkets on its shelves. He walked over there, looking at a couple of old photos of the owner of the house. There was one that showed a baby Frank, no more than six years old, with glasses and a smile on his face, showing his small teeth. Later there was another one in which he was older; Gerard recognized a teenage Ray with barely some curls on his head, next to Frank holding a guitar, making a funny face. There was also another one of them, but they seemed to be at school, alongside another girl with a fringe, Jamia.

Gerard decided to leave the photos behind and settled into the small couch in the living room, turning the TV on to distract himself, since there were four hours left for Frank to return, and he wasn't planning on leaving.

 _Half past four_ , he was hungry. He got up to grab something to calm his belly. He ate an apple.

 _Ten to five_ , he smelled Frank's clothes with his eyes closed, missing his presence. He was so bored.

 _Extremely bored_.

He kept the TV on, as he returned to the room, finding his jeans on the floor.

He put his fingers in his left pocket, _it was now five o'clock._

He took out the little baggie that contained the reason behind his happiness within. He didn't know if it was abstinence, desire or what, but this bag was much smaller than the rest; the smallest he had ever seen.

How was he supposed to cope now?

He wished he could have a little will of his own, and be able to throw it away, where he would never find it.

But, sadly, he didn't.

 _Five past five_ , he was facing the talking square back, preparing two lines with a card he had on his wallet (he didn't exactly know what it was, but he didn't care). A delayed soccer game was reaching its climax, they were about to score a goal.

_'And he grabs it from the outside, he almost has it.'_

He quickly rolled up a dollar, watching the game, eagerly.

_'And it's coming, and it goes! There it goes!'_

He unglued his eyes from the TV and quickly covered the left side of his nose with his finger, positioning the small tube in the other.

_'And he scores!'_

He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes, without thinking.

_Ahhh, it burns._

He gasped, it felt way too good, he no longer paid attention to the match.

He swapped positions, and inhaled back.

Now, now he really could start the day properly.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Mmm, this is delicious, Gee. Thanks." Frank wiped the sauce from his mouth with a napkin.

"No problem..." Gerard looked at him from the other side of the sofa. They had no proper table, so their 'dining room' consisted on a coffee table next to where they were sitting.

"How you feeling?" Iero asked him after drinking water, _it was eight o'clock_.

When he got home, he saw Gerard mesmerized by some show. He greeted him without paying much attention and went straight to bathe, he hadn't had time to do it until then.

Later, the redhead offered to prepare dinner and the youngest accepted, he was honestly tired.

"Good, better." He rolled up his spaghetti, eating quietly.

"You barely touched your food." Frank kept looking straight ahead, even though the TV wasn't on.

"Well, I'm still a little tired."

_It was the comedown._

With the brown haired man now present, he couldn't get high, obviously.

But luckily, after all, _he was good at hiding things, right?_

He masked his anxiety quite well. After all, he'd ingested a reasonable amount to last long enough. He just had to wait for another chance.

"Well, I finished, do you want to go to bed?"

Gerard faced him. "Us, together?"

Frank nodded. "Of course, to sleep."

Way rolled his eyes, Iero laughed.

He left his plate next to Frank's on the small table, wiping his mouth, and approaching the opposite body.  
Frank was leaned against the armchair, his legs still in front of him, his stocking feet resting on the cushions. Unable to get any closer, Gerard rested his chin on his knees.

"No goodnight kiss?"

Frank smiled sweetly, and grabbed that part of his head, getting closer to him.

Way's eyes were sparkling, as if he were about to receive a kiss from his precious prince charming.

But no.

Frank turned his face and kissed his cheek for a few seconds.

"Come on, Gee."

And so, they headed to his room once more.


	11. riot van.

> **_oh, those silly boys in blue. well, they won't catch me and you._ **

"Okay, let me see if I get this straight... You're helping a drug addict to stay, or rather, HIDE in your house, while he ignores his real life problems and moreover tries to constantly flirt with you?"

"Well, if you say it like that, it doesn't sound so good, Jam." Frank took off his name tag and put it in his backpack, his shift at the supermarket was over.

"It _isn't_ good, Frank." The brunette followed him to the door, leaving with him. "Besides, didn't you mention earlier it's reminding you of... _that_?"

Frank looked at the floor. "Yeah... That's why I have to help him."

Jamia looked at him with pity.

"I have to make sure it doesn't end badly, I can't allow it; much less bear it."

"Okay, okay, got it..." she stood in front of him, "Just take care, alright? Call me, you can do this all by yourself either." She hugged him, sighing.

Frank hummed, with the same expression on his face. _He was going to see him_.

"See you later, yeah?"

"Sure, you okay?"

Frank broke apart from her, starting to walk as soon he had the chance. "Yeah yeah, don't worry. See ya."

He made his way home, turning around to make sure Jamia was gone.

And yup, she was gone.

He changed his course, going towards that place he hadn't visited in a long time, a little far away. He decided to walk; and by the time he got there, he was a bit sweaty, but it was so cold it didn't matter.

As he slowly walked through the silent place, he thought of his past two days with Gerard; they'd hardly spoken. Mostly because Frank came back tired from work, although Sunday had no excuse, that was his day off. They'd spent it watching movies and eating; Gerard ate a lot, which made him happy, although deep down he knew the reason behind his eagerness while doing so. He wasn't stupid; if Gerard really had nothing else on him, he should be freaking out by now, screaming because of detox. So, yeah, Frank knew that every time he got the chance, he'd do drugs. What's more, probably now, that he wasn't at home, he would be doing it.

Whatever, he'll let him enjoy it, _but it'd be the last time._

He finally arrived, Gerard left his mind. Now only childhood memories haunted him. He remembered that _he_ always used to say he wanted his ashes to be thrown into a river or something like that; in the end, he ended up buried ten feet underground.

He ran his fingers over the old stone above the grave, dirtying them with dust. Some relatives came to clean their dirty covered niches or tombstones. He even saw an old lady cleaning the belongings that at some point would've probably belonged to her husband; however, it wasn't his case. Last time he came here, he was thirteen.

He wished he knew what to say, but he had nothing. He was speechless. It wasn't like his dad was listening to him anyway.

He smiled with a bittersweet, strange feeling in his stomach, just a single tear coming out of his eye, which he quickly wiped away.

He turned around and, finally, went home.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

_''Have you been drinking, son?_  
_You don't look old enough to me''_

Gerard stretched his legs against the wall, his head dangling over the edge of the bed. Frank was taking so long.

_''I'm sorry, officer_  
_Is there a certain age you're supposed to be?_  
_'Cause nobody told me''_

He yawned, it was already half past seven, as he started fiddling with the laces on Frank's sweatshirt while listening to the Arctic Monkeys' debut album.

Yes, he was still wearing his clothes, since the boy hadn't told him anything about it. So he took advantage of that confidence to continue going through his belongings, quickly finding the CD collection he had.

_'... they get their address and their names took_  
_But they couldn't care less'_

They reminded him of his high school years, back with Lindsey. He wondered what had become of the life of that brunette whom he'd lost contact with long ago.

He waited for the song to end, shifting his position, remaining crumpled on the bed.

_I should call Mikey._

The thunderous intro of the eighth song began, startling Gerard a little, he didn't remember having turned the radio on so loud.

He positioned himself differently, sitting on the edge of the mattress, still in his boxers.

_'Well, you're coming up at our end aren't you?_  
_So I'll get one with you'_

Turner's voice seemed to inspire him, as he began to move his legs anxiously, returning once more to his jeans pockets. _Two hours had already passed_.

He noticed there was little left, very little; the last remains, now.

 _Who cares_. As Alex kept singing about a girl in a green dress, he grabbed a little bit on his index finger, consuming fast.

_'And I'm sitting going backwards_  
_And I didn't want to leave_  
_I said 'It's high green mate_  
_Via Hillsborough, please''_

He put his finger in again, this time his little one, and repeated the action, until there was nothing left. He growled in frustration and satisfaction at the same time.

_'... Well, calm down, temper, temper_  
_You shouldn't get so annoyed_  
_Well, you're acting like a silly little boy'_

He stood up and put his hands on top of his head, running them over his eyes. _What an idiot_ , he'd run out.

_'Oh, they wanted to be men_  
_And do some fighting in the street_  
_He said 'No surrender,_  
_No chance of retreat!''_

The music was so loud he didn't hear Frank come into the apartment, startling as the ending was heard: _'went for it but the red light was showing, and red light indicates doors are secured'._

"God, can you turn that thing off?" Frank walked into his room, immediately turning the volume down and turning off the equipment before the band started talking about _'Mardy Bum'_. "... What are you doing?"

The redhead was turned around, trying to shove that stupid little bag into his jeans again. He could throw it away later. He concealed Frank's question as he reached down and pulled on his pants.

"Nothing, Iero, I'm just covering myself so you don't see my balls."

"As if I hadn't seen them a couple of times before."

Gerard blushed and turned around, meeting Frank's laugh.

"So... I see you found my music stash, is it any good?" he commented when putting the disc in its respective plastic box; for being _that_ old, they were in great shape.

"Yes, I liked it a lot, although most of it is music that I also listen to."

"Oh yeah?" Gerard smiled at his tone and how cute he looked in his work uniform (which was nothing more than a ridiculous T-shirt, but he still liked it). "Well Gee, maybe we have a little bit more in common than we think."

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"Okay, but _Tranquility Base_ is the worst."

"What!? I won't allow you- NO! We love Tranquility Base in this house, oh my God, Gerard."

"Oh come on Frank, it doesn't make sense!"

"Yes, it does! The lyrics and the whole theme, and the aesthetics, how could you not like it?" Frank spoke too quickly, making the redhead laugh. They were dining on his couch again, drinking soda.

They'd decided to waste what little was left of the day, again; Frank brought his radio, along with all his CD's of the said British band. Iero had the complete discography, he really liked them.

"It's all very... _pretentious_." Gerard kept talking. Deep down, he did it to make the brown haired boy give his point of view; he loved watching him speak and express himself with his hands as he did so.

"Well, but we're talking about _Alex **fucking** Turner_, he's an excellent lyricist."

Gerard made a face, agreeing with him.

They remained silent, sitting and looking at the ceiling, at a reasonable distance, the album they were talking about was already halfway through.

_'Bendable figures with a fresh new pack of lies'_

Frank moved his mouth, pretending to sing without sound, Gerard turned his body to look at him, laughing.

_'Summat else to publicize,_  
_I'm sure you've heard about enough'_

_Yes, it was a very good album_. Way brought his body a little closer, and the youngest didn't move; he continued 'singing', now looking at his face amusingly.

_'So in response to what you whispered in my ear, I'll be upfront...'_

Now his voice came out in a whisper, barely audible. Unconsciously, he brought a hand to the side of his face, pulling out a lock of hair that was bothering him. Gerard kept looking at him, mesmerized.

_'Sometimes I fantasize about you, too'_

And the song ended, but they both stayed like this, _close_.

Gerard thought that, since they were pretty much invading each other's personal space, _why not do it properly?_

So he put both pairs of lips together, like, more than five times,  
and Frank didn't stop him.


	12. i want you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg it's been so longgggg, i'm so sorry!
> 
> i've been re-editing all of my works and, holy shit u guys,,,,, hOW COULD U STAND THAT??? i'm so sorry for all that mess, but i promise i'll try to get better 😬❤️
> 
> for now, enjoy this one, sorry if there's any mistake! and happy new year!!
> 
> \- may 💖

> **_oh, yes, i'll take you just to push far away, away, away._ **

The warm hand caressing his thigh was making him feel butterflies.

 _Alex Turner_ kept singing, Gerard had his eyes closed, his breath was calmer.

Their encounter had lasted little over five minutes, but it was intense; like all the other ones they'd have so far. The short duration was due to the older man's desperation, who basically buried himself in the boy's dick the second they took their clothes off, making him growl.

It'd been just like that, with no protection whatsoever (it's not like they ever used it before anyway) and on Frank's cheap little couch. He went from riding him to being thrown on the same spot, pressing his legs against his hips as he slipped in and out of him.

He'd enjoyed it quite a lot, since the last time he had sex was with Bert... and it wasn't good at all.

But this?  
This had blown his mind.

He wondered if Frank would be just as good with a longer duration, and with him clean. And he was dying to find out. Granted he was partly angry with _'his friend'_ down there for lasting so little, the drugs were starting to weigh on him more. However, the good thing was that Iero had obviously been turned on by seeing him finish so desperately, making him cum too. Gerard could still feel his fluids.

"I should clean myself up," Frank said, trying to get up. But his neck was immediately caught by the older man. "And you should too..." he accepted the kiss, " _little one_."

Gerard grinned cheekily at him, and Frank let out a yelp as he changed positions, getting on top of him again.

_'Bastard latin, that's the best thing for it_  
_You push the button and we'll do the rest'_

He looked down at him, admiring the beauty of his tattooed, and now naked, body. He started running his fingers over some of his drawings.

_'You and Lizzy in the summertime,_  
_Wrapping my tiny mind around a lullaby'_

He caressed his little growing fringe, Frank looked at him with a slight smirk. He sat up, making Gerard smile, showing his small teeth and putting his arms around his neck.

_'There are things that I just cannot explain to you_  
_And those that I hope I don't ever have to'_

They slowly and gently kissed, pressing their skins together; hands on his waist, arms around his neck.

_'Pattern language, in the mood for love...'_

"You really are charming, but as you know my shift starts at nine-" a sneaky kiss interrupted him, " _mmm-_ and a half at the latest, Gee."

"Can't you take a day off?" Way pouted, moving his ass to rub it against his cock.

Frank sighed, closing his eyes. "Don't do that..." But the redhead continued. " _Gee_." He firmly took him by the jaw for him to pay attention.

Gerard obeyed and stopped, somewhat puzzled. Frank half smiled and brushed his hair back.

He looked at him for a moment. "... Do you want to take a bath with me?"

Gerard stared at him, flushed. This man always made him feel like an idiot.

"Well, we don't have to if you don't want to." Frank got up to go, but Gerard interrupted him with a kiss once more.

After making out for a little while in the shower, they finally got clean.

Who knew that, from that day on, _Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino_ would become one of his favorite albums ever?

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

" _So, are you guys like, dating now?_ " Mikey excitedly asked in his room, earning some strange looks from Pete.

"No, Michael, we are not." Gerard was smoking a cigarette in the bedroom window, wearing Frank's clothes was already becoming a habit.

" _Well, but, do you want to?_ "

Gerard felt his cheeks burn at his brother's question, he hadn't thought about that. Truth be told, he didn't really have a proper 'breakup' with Bert as such, but...

 _'Didn't he already have a boyfriend?'_ he heard a familiar voice in the background, followed by a _'Ouch, Mikey!'_

"... Anyways, how are you?"

" _Don't ignore me, Gerard._ "

"What do you want me to say, Mikey?" He let the smoke out of his mouth, pessimistically.

" _The truth, that'd be a good start, don't you think?_ "

"I barely know the guy!"

" _Ugh, come on Gerard, what's that excuse? You started living with Bert a week after you met him._ "

" _A year_ , actually, don't you mind?"

" _It doesn't matter!_ " he exclaimed, frustrated. " _It's not that difficult to- is it that hard for you to do things right?_ "

He knew he was being sarcastic, but hearing him say that made him want to cry.

"Got it, bye".

And before his brother could answer, he hung up and threw his phone on the bed. He finished his cigarette and also threw it out the window, he was pissed.

_He was pissed and out of coke._

He went to the bathroom, desperately looking for something he could use; then to the kitchen, he could even settle for some alcohol, but there was nothing there; then to the bedroom again, Frank must have something, _he must_.

He desperately took the clothes off the dresser, _come on_.

 _Come on, come on, come on, please, please_.

Gerard gasped with joy at the sight of a small metal box, quickly opening it.

Weed, this would do.

_Thanks, Iero._

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Frank turned his key to open the door, yawning, he hadn't got much sleep last night, all due to a certain redhead. He smiled at the memory.

"Gee, I'm home," he sweetly called. It was a nice feeling, coming home while someone was waiting for you.

"Hey," the mentioned greeted, getting out of the room, he seemed... _sleepy_.

"Were you taking a nap?" Frank kissed him on the lips, he tasted like fresh mint.

"I was..." he broke away from him, rubbing his eyes. "Yeah, I was... _y'know_." He pointed at the bedroom door with his thumb, smiling like an idiot.

Frank's smile began to fade when he realized what was going on, the smell that came out his room as a proof.

"Are you high?"

Gerard's smirk disappeared too, he licked his lips nervously. "Frank..."

The mentioned ignored him and went to his bedroom, seeing the mess the redhead had left, all his drawers were open.

"Where is it? Where did you leave it?"

"It's just weed, Frank, I'll give it back to you-"

"You finished it all?!" He stopped his search to look at the older man.

"N-No, it was just one joint."

"Then give me the rest, where is it? I- _goddamn it, Gerard._ " He removed the hair from his face with anger, he remembered there were only some grams left, and this idiot hadn't smoked _'just one'_ , no way.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd care."

"How could I not? Do you think I don't know what you're up to? Besides, _that was mine, what's next?_ Are you going to take my fucking NyQuil away?"

"So what, do you think this isn't hard enough for me? If you knew, why didn't you stop me? What was I supposed to do?"

"What am _I_ supposed to do, Gerard?!" His voice broke, and he immediately turned around, the last thing he needed was to lose the control he'd worked so hard for in the last couple days. "I don't know how to do this... but I wanted to try- _I want to try_."

Images of that man suddenly popped into his head. He closed his eyes tightly, pushing the memories away.

Gerard frowned, his head hurt, he didn't want to cry again.

"But I need you to talk to me. Please, just talk to me." He wiped his face and faced him. "If you talk to me... then maybe we can fix this."

He stayed silent for at least a minute.

"... What if we can't?" Gerard began crying when he felt his hands on his cheeks, and broke away immediately.

"We will, _we have to-_ "

"No, Frank, you don't get it, I already tried this before, and failed every time," he firmly said; Bert was right, he should've gone with him. "Besides, I'm not just talking about drugs; you'll hate me, trust me. You'll hate me, I'll get bored and- and we'd be more miserable than we already are, and I don't know if I can take that."

"Well I can." His voice was still far, but there was so much silence in the room that he felt the opposite.

Gerard turned around, confused.

"Look, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, _but what about you?_ "

The older man smiled, crying. "Frank..."

"Just answer the question."

Gerard swallowed hard. "Yes, I'm willing, but... I'm afraid I'll fail anyway." Frank laughed bitterly. "I can't help what I am, Frankie."

"And d'you really think you're like this? Is this you?" He approached him. "Because if so, if _this_ is really you, what the fuck are you doing in my house?"

Gerard felt his throat burn, his eyes watery.

"Why do you care? Why do you even care about me? Why are you here and not with your boyfriend? I'll tell you why; because, deep down, you know that's not really you. Because you need someone to take you out that place, to save you. You want to be saved, you just don't quite realize yet." Frank sighed. "You think I'm an idiot? I know you're in a vicious circle, Gerard, _I've seen this before_ , and I'm not just talking about drugs; you like to be there, along with all the shit, because you think that you really are one, that you're one of them. But have you really seen yourself in the mirror?"

He kept laughing through tears.

"You're worth so much more, you're fucking beautiful. Yes, you're self-destructive, and you use that as an excuse to hide who you really are; but it's so big that you can't hide it, _not anymore, not with me_."

Gerard kept looking at him, dumbfounded.

"But it's okay, I'm not going to waste any more of my time; so, if you want to go out and convince yourself that's your place, go ahead." He ran his fingers over his nose, rubbing it as a nervous act. "But don't come back here."

The boy had to admit that this was all a bit intense, but he really had no time for this shit, much less be able to stand it. Not again.

And besides, deep down, he knew that, at the end of the day, the redhead would do the right thing.

He just needed time,  
a lot of time.

Gerard gasped and sniffed, and hid his head on the shorter man's shoulder, who wrapped his arms around him.

"I-I'm scared," he gasped for air to continue, "I'm so fucking scared, Frank."

"... I know, Gee, I know."

He tried to make him feel safe, even though he wasn't safe himself, by kissing the top of his head. _It was worth a try, **he** was worth a try, right?_

Plus, Frank had always been a hopeless romantic, so, what else could he lose?

Only time will tell.


	13. flawless (interlude).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, we learn a little bit more about gee's past... 👀
> 
> hope you enjoy!  
> sorry if there's any mistake!
> 
> \- may 💖

"You're from around here?"

Those were some of the first words he exchanged with him.

'Bert' McCracken, twenty-one years old and from Utah, was like a fugitive. He didn't go to college, and lived in a little flat not so far from the suburbs, along with his best friend and partner in crime, Jepha Howard.

Their shared cigarette didn't have that much of an interesting chat, just some basic questions between quick glances. The brown-haired man was the one who asked him out, Gerard immediately said yes.  
Their first date was a bit... _chaotic_. The, then dark-haired boy, was introduced - pushed - to an unknown world, but not totally new. Well, he had gone to parties in his teens and got high a few times, just sticking to his precious ciggies.

But this was outrageous, to say the least.

Bert took him to some kind of _"meeting point (for junkies)"_ , as Gerard liked to call it. It was like a sick joke; the place was full of strangers, looking miserable, they seemed to be asleep, walking dead in life.

Gerard didn't judge anyone, he wasn't the one to do so and, as long as he was careful enough, he didn't see the harm of it.

As long as Bert doesn't kill himself.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

By the time their first anniversary got around the corner, Gerard had already started trying different things.

He was young, and wanted new experiences, and what better than to live them all with "the love of his life"?

Bert thought he was some kind of _Mark Renton_ or _Tony Montana_ , but he was actually a dumbass. He had barely finished high school, living like this since he was seventeen. Gerard didn't know much about his parents or his past, they weren't worth much. Only the essential; absent father and alcoholic mother, now. Bert didn't like to talk about it.

The reaction of surprise and uncertainty combined with attempts at kindness by his mother when he introduced his boyfriend to the family were priceless. The same from his brother.

Aside from hiding the truth, Gerard had learned not to take things so seriously, sometimes taking his philosophy to the extreme.

Either that, or the casual drugs were already rotting his brains.

The first time he tried them, it was super fun. He remembered hearing Grimes in the background, _'Kill V. Maim'._

_'But I'm only a man, and I do what I can'_

That same night, while dancing high on acid, Bert proposed him to live together after a year of relationship. Gerard had turned twenty, and Jepha had moved out. He said yes once again, obviously.

Although his true love showed up later on.

After two months of living in that dirty little house, Gerard learned... He learned what happiness was. With _her_ , he knew what it was like to feel energetic, cheerful without having to pretend. She was perfect. Suddenly, he felt capable of doing anything, and all thanks to Bert and his _'friends'_.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

He hated being asked what he saw in him, _wasn't it obvious?_

Yes, they had their ups and downs, just like any other couple. But it wasn't that bad, people overreacted sometimes.

"We should go back."

"What? Why?" Bert pouted and looked at him as he drove.

"I have to go back to college, _Bertie_ , I've already missed several days." He settled his, now cut, hair in frustration. That, and besides, he was already tired of being in this piece of tin. Yes, he loved traveling with Bert, but...

"Ah, but you can ask for notes later, right?"

"That's not it..."

Bert stopped the car on one side of the road. Gerard panicked, the older man could be very scary when he was angry.

Before he could complain, in one agile movement he sat on his lap, he knew he liked that.

"Don't be upset..." he said while kissing his neck, Bert sighed. "You know it's important to me, and I can't afford throwing my career away. You know I hate my parents' insistence on helping me, since you and I are well." That was a lie, because with all their _"expenses"_ , they barely had left for other things.

Bert hung his head, thinking. "Okay... but give me another kiss."

Gerard smiled and complied, which led him to ride him in the middle of the road ten minutes later.

He adored him.

He adored the way he saw things, the laughter he caused, their endless nights in cheap motels, everything. He loved his strengths and weaknesses, _he'd never felt anything like this before._

° • ° • ° • ° • °

"And then, there would be flames coming from the sides, and _fium! Pam!_ "

Gerard laughed at his boyfriend's inconsistencies, his fantasies of having a band and being famous one day. He bent down and inhaled, casually. It was Saturday afternoon.

"Oh, you'd love it, Gee."

"Do you even have someone to play with?" he asked as he put his coke aside.

"Mmm, not really, but Jepha knows how to play bass." Gerard replied with an 'oh'. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What if you join us? You'd be a great guitarist." Bert laughed and grabbed his boyfriend's lying leg, pretending it was the instrument.

"Pfff, I suck at it, you know that- stop it, let go!" he begged in laughter, Bert left him alone and got between his legs to kiss him. "Mmm, it's late."

"Shh, just relax." He kissed his neck delicately, Gerard had forgotten what it was like to do it calmly. Only his first time had been like this, loving. Although it was not much of a romantic, it was in the back of Bert's old car.

Gerard did as he was told and relaxed, even though he had just gotten high.

How could he say no?

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"I still can't believe you forgot."

"I said I was sorry!" Bert exclaimed, slamming the door. Gerard continued walking to his room, it was April 10th, he was now twenty-two.

Yes, Bert didn't even say 'happy birthday' to him, but he managed to come up with something to reward him. So there they were, another night in another cheap motel in a town they didn't know. Gerard sighed and walked into the room, they barely had money for this shit.

He didn't know who he was the most angry with; with Bert, not only for forgetting, but also for now being drunk (he'd drunk all the way here), or with himself, for being here in the first place.

"I'm sorry, yeah?" He felt the strong, tattooed arms entwine around his belly, a head resting on his back.

Way turned and kissed him reluctantly, hating the taste of beer in his mouth. They kissed for a while like that, more intense each time, Gerard entwined his legs on his back, Bert playfully threw him on the bed.

They both laughed, Bert began to tickle him, Gerard tried to push him away. They hit each other playfully from time to time, McCracken was sometimes rough. In one nimble move, Gee flipped them over and got on top of him, attacking him. _Big mistake_.

Inadvertently, he passed his hand and slapped him a little hard, Bert reacted instantly.

He turned him over in anger, Gerard panicked. "Never do that again, did you fucking hear me?" he growled in his ear, on top of his back, his hands gripping his wrists tightly.

"S-Sorry," he said, still in shock. It was fair, he had hit him hard.

Bert lay down next to him, angry. Gerard stayed in his place, hard.

He didn't know what to do; if he should ask for forgiveness, if he should kiss him, if to cry, if to leave. This had never happened before, not exactly at least.

He decided to run his fingers over his eyes, wiping the tears away, and turn around to hug him. He sighed in relief when his hand stroked his hair.

_They had their ups and downs, like any other couple._

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Was Bert the love of his life?  
He didn't know, not really. Less at this point of their relationship. He was twenty-three now, with phosphorescent red hair. His little amusement had evolved into almost total dependence, just like Bert did. They were still together, despite everything.

He was his only option, for the moment. The fear of never being loved tormented him; not even he loved himself.

Besides, he did love the older man, very much.

Too much.

He was the best drug so far, after all.

So much that he came to ignore the miseries; the same miseries his boyfriend would later pour into a bent spoon, along with a little powder, injecting one of his many rotten veins. He, on the other hand, would pour them into a small white path that would soon disappear down his nose, turning off his brain. Sleep, get up, and do it all over again.

Because it doesn't matter how many times you dream or how many times you fall; how many times you puke or how many times you steal,  
it's never enough.

Their love was not enough.

They always wanted more, more and more.

There was always the need to get up and screw it all up one more time.

One more time, because I love you.

One more time, because I miss you.

One more time, for the good times.

One more time, for the memories.

One more time, for us.

_"For us._  
_I love you, Gerard."_

The older man had said, with one arm around his waist, the other with a bottle of alcohol and an idiotic smile on his face.

Yes, being with him was the right thing to do.

Yes, he made him feel good.

 _"God, yeah,"_ he moaned in his ear, his entrance being filled, making him feel whole.

Because if Bert didn't love him, who else would?

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"A band?"

"Yeah... what do you think?"

"I don't know... What about painting and all that?"

"Mikey, I quit more than a year ago." 'Quit' was a rather fancy word, the truth was that he'd failed all his classes and had no more money. "Besides, come on, you're great at bass."

"Yes, I know, but I find it weird for you to want to do this, that's all." His brother was thinking, looking at the rest of the park they were in.

It was strange, in fact not even he knew where the idea had come from. He simply wanted to have something of his own, something that belongs to him, to do something with his life. He never imagined himself in the music industry, much less singing. But, he was fed up with guitar and Elena had always encouraged him to use his voice, so why not?

Besides...

"I need it." He smoked his cigarette, watching how a couple of children played carelessly on the swings. "I feel like we could do something... something big, something important."

"Well, I'm in. It'll be fun." The semi-blond smiled, Gerard returned the gesture and looked at him with nostalgia.

He'd give anything to go back to being a kid playing on the swings, or to go back to graduating like Mikey had done a few months ago.

But,  
'We cannot decide where we come from, but we can decide where we are going.'

And that was his plan.

Although, of course, he wouldn't leave Bert. But he wasn't counting on the fact that his boyfriend might not be fond of the plan.

"I'm happy like this, aren't you?"

Gerard looked at his boyfriend; he had dark circles that weren't just from lack of sleep, his face was sunken, he was skinny and seemed to never stop shaking.

"Yes... Yeah, I'm happy with you, but I can't bear to see you like this anymore."

He wanted the black-haired man to reconsider, and in the end he did. Or well, tried to.

His detox method hadn't been very effective, and unlike Gerard, Bert was suffering. Heroin was different than cocaine, he couldn't take it anymore and he hadn't even finished week one. Finally, Gerard let him go. Well, if the junkie Bert was a bit scary, the sober Bert...

Gerard smoked a cigarette anxiously, trying not to touch his left, now purple, eye. Bert had left an hour ago. He just sat there, in an old chair and a table in worse condition, in dead silence.

He looked at his notebook in the middle of the wood, next to a black pen. He finished his cylinder, and extinguished it in the ashtray, grabbing the notebook.

He had already written a couple of nonsensical things that could be considered song material, it came out spontaneously. It was as if, out of nowhere, something, a thought or feeling perhaps, wanted to come out of him. Something buried deep inside, ignored.

He opened it and stood on a blank page, grabbed the pen and began to write, the words came out by themselves.

_'I'd end my days with you, in a hail of bullets...'_


	14. sing.

> **_so what's the worth in all of this, this?_ **

Gerard ran his index finger across the window, following the path of one of the many raindrops scattered by the rain. It was a nice afternoon out, the sunlight contrasted with his face and the little storm that had ended hours ago.

Three months had already passed,  
three painful months of sobriety.

Months in which, for the most part, he'd hardly seen Frank. He closed his eyes when he felt a certain garment (which was along with his other belongings) on the tips of his fingers, caressing it, remembering the past events.

[...]

"I just need one fucking line, c'mon!" He hit the room's door with fury. "Shit." He sat down on the uncomfortable bed, crossing his arms while trembling.

He started moving his foot up and down, fast. He hid his head in his arms resting on his knees, muttering incoherently. The nights were definitely the worst and he'd barely just started the treatment a week ago.

Words and promises had been of no use, for he broke them. The day after his intense conversation with Frank, they started — or rather, tried — to make it work; the youngest would take care of him.

But obviously the plan had failed.

The first day, Frank went to work, this time locking the door; there were no more drugs left in the house (Frank had even hidden his emergency kit, since he was afraid he could've actually given the redhead the idea of using his NyQuil), and if Gerard wanted to go out and get some, then he literally couldn't.

He went crazy in those eight hours.

The apartment was a mess, again. He had about six cigarettes left, and he finished them all. Frank made a disgusted face when he greeted him, because of the smell. As soon as he entered the house, Gerard hugged him with all his might, almost crying when he saw him. He soon discovered that, in the case of cocaine, the symptoms were not so physical, but rather psychological. He needed that happiness, that calm and at the same time energy that only _she_ could give him. But it wouldn't be possible.

_"No, Gerard, I'm not going to give you anything."_

His mood swung.

 _"Fuck you! I hate you, you fuckin' son of a bitch,"_ he'd exclaimed as he pushed him, without much force.

Frank rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom, being able to cry freely as soon as he closed the door, which was hit.

 _"I just... I just need some... P-Please, Frank."_ He really didn't feel like manipulating him or begging, but what other option did he have?

His heart broke a little when he heard Frank sob. He hated himself, and he also hated the boy, for helping him, for not having ignored him, and for being right;

He liked it,  
he liked being with the other shits, and being part of them.

On the third day, Frank made a choice.

Because if he didn't, he'd end up dying of sadness.

 _"Don't let them take me, please, I'll do anything."_ Gerard hated hospitals, he hated them. Shit, what if they had to pinch him? He'd much rather be locked up in Frank's apartment all day, than have to go through that.

So yeah, Frank had taken his best friend's advice and asked for help; Gerard hated seeing his family's disappointed looks on the way to the rehab center. Mikey looked at him with pity and grabbed his hand, his father squeezed the steering wheel irritably while his mother cried.

Along all the way, Gerard could only think of the last lip brush he'd had with the brown-haired boy before he was taken away. He would've loved it if the first time he'd met his parents was in another context; he imagined a Christmas dinner, not his weeply mother.

Anyway, at least he was grateful for not having taken Frank's clothes off at any time, he took his black hoodie and a T-shirt that fit him tight (although it looked huge on the shorter man). He smiled at that.

He put his desperate hands in his bag, searching for said garments. He took off his clothes, putting on the T-shirt with the characteristic _Misfits_ symbol. It still smelled like Frank; for most people, it'd be gross to keep the same nightwear for so long, but that wasn't Way's case.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

He wasn't allowed to have visitors in the first month, which made him feel even more depressed. He didn't talk to anybody, unless it was in therapy or to ask for something, he wasn't interested.

He had to put up with about another eight weeks, the three-month program was what his parents could afford to.

He was anxious.  
Come on, in itself, he constantly suffered from his slight disorder.

But being like this, with nothing to distract him or make him feel better, it was worse.

He thought about using,  
about the band,  
about his family,  
about his brother,  
about Bert, his whereabouts,  
about Frank,  
he even thought about Jamia, damn it.

Little by little, he began to forget what the world outside was like. Of course, he had activities that he could've taken advantage of, but pessimism and boredom weren't a good combo, especially when it comes to Gerard; besides, he could be really obnoxious at times. Even so, the institution kept trying, obviously, because, after all, it was their job.

And they succeeded.

Gerard never thought of touching such artifacts again, things that had once turned his belly with joy. He hadn't drawn in such a long time. Well, the truth was that his life as an artist had died, long ago, for different reasons. Sure, every now and then he found himself scribbling on some old piece of paper with a pencil in even worse condition, but nothing more than that.

Suddenly, he went back to his old habits again, but the good ones, this time.

He did everything he could, everything he saw seemed to inspire him, he even started drawing pictures from simple memory, and at times used his skills for self-expression, which was basically the whole point of the activity.

Just like that, by the time the second month arrived, he'd already improved at least a little.

His depression and eternal sadness, anxiety and constant yearning; they were all still there. But with the visits, that changed.

"I have something for you." Gerard looked at Frank with a genuine smile, which made the boy copy the gesture. He got folded paper out of his pocket, it was a drawing.

"Wow, this is... really good, how did you do it?" Frank looked at his own face portrait with some amazement.

"I just had to think of you, remember you," Gerard said with such simplicity and transparency, making Frank look at him even more surprised and blushed.

He moved closer to his face and kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Gee."

Yes, he was sweet, but Gerard wanted something more. He didn't know where all this shyness and delicacy came from; for God's sake, they'd fucked in dirty toilets in two of their three encounters!

He wasn't complaining, he liked Frank being cute, but his life had a different rhythm. And yes, it must be admitted that said rhythm was already changing, and that his desire to be thrown by the shorter man on the small table where they were probably had something to do with his abstinence from other things, but he still wanted it, he was thirsty.

He obviously shut up his fantasies, and limited himself to just smiling softly.

He would fulfill them as soon as he got out of here anyway.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Although he wasn't able to see Frank every weekend that he was allowed visits (either because of his work, because he was busy, or because his family had to go), he appreciated the boy more and more. He felt that they were closer each time.

He discovered more about him, how much they had in common. As it was already known, they had a shared musical taste, ideologies, experiences, traumas...

Gerard told him how much he appreciated his grandmother, who was something like his role model, not because he didn't have parents to look after him or something, but because she was the one he admired the most. And in return, Frank told him about how he had found his father covered in puke from an overdose on the floor of his house, at the age of thirteen; Gerard listened to the event attentively.

His parents had divorced years ago, precisely because of this issue. Mr. Iero would sometimes get so bad, he'd mistreat his wife. It all came to an end and without much trouble, luckily. Granted, Cheech's addiction continued.

Sometimes, he spent weekends with his dad, it was like a rule. Well, it's not that he didn't want to, but I think no one would be very amused to have to drag their dad to his room, just because he decided to celebrate the victory of some stupid soccer team with some beer (to say the least). Frank had been forced to quickly grow up, to toughen up; he was his father, after all.

Of course, no one was counting on the fact that one day something would go wrong, since _"Cheech is an adult, he can take care of himself"_. Frank would laugh in the faces of people who once said tremendous nonsense.

Three little knocks on the door with pursed lips and stealthy steps were enough to know the truth. Gagging was heard along with an old song playing in the background.

Cheech had gone on a crystal trip with 'My Girl' by The Temptations as a soundtrack.

Gerard was a bit shocked at the lack of expression Frank recounted the event with, wondering how he'd been able to carry on, how he'd even been able to take drugs.

"Well... I'm not like my father, Gee," he answered, and, honestly, Gerard agreed.

Frank wasn't stupid,  
Frank wasn't like him.

In that, they differed; one seemed to have defeated every demon that came his way, while the other couldn't even get up properly in the morning.

' _It's all about attitude.'_

_Or so they said._

Before leaving, Frank looked at him seriously and said, "If you die, I'll kill you."

Gerard laughed,  
and finally received a farewell kiss.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

The past month hadn't been so memorable, except for his birthday, which was literally his last week. Frank hadn't been able to go because it was Friday.

It didn't matter, what a better gift than to leave that place.

Yet, no one had told the now blond the truth (his red tint had completely faded).

Because now, being off center, would be when the fight really begins.

[...]

Gerard came out of his trance when he felt his brother speak to him, telling him that they had already arrived. He recognized the area, and smiled.

"Thanks for giving me a lift."

Pete, who was behind the wheel, looked at him in the rearview mirror, nodding and smiling.

"Do you have everything?" Mikey consulted, while Gerard got out of the car.

"Yep."

"Okay, have fun." His brother smiled at him through the window, and the car left.

He put on his burgundy sweatshirt's hood on, it wasn't cold, it was spring already, but he wanted to pass unnoticed. It was Saturday, quarter to six in the afternoon, Frank would show up any minute.

And, as if the universe had read his mind, a certain short boy could be seen in the distance. Gerard smiled, and uncovered his head once Frank was basically in front of him.

Iero's eyes widened, Gerard kept smiling mischievously. He took something out of his bag.

"I brought your _hoodie_ back."

Frank still didn't say anything.  
It was so weird to see him again, sober this time, really sober in the middle of the street.

" _'Good to see you, Gerard'_?" Way asked, ironically.

"Oh, you asshole, come here." Frank hugged him immediately, lifting him a little and making him laugh. "You look so... good, so beautiful."

"Mhm, as always, right?" Gerard frowned wryly, caressing Frank's shoulders once he had his feet back on the floor.

" _Shush_ , you know what I mean." The brown haired boy caressed his waist, they were close.

He licked his lips and kissed the blond, who just sighed. Neither of them wanted to think too much, _not today_.

"Shall we go inside?"

Gerard nodded with a smile.


	15. fade into you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not over the fact that frank made a cover of this song right after i finished the whole fic,,,, i screamed and cried like an idiot thank u very much
> 
> oh btw, i made a playlist with all of the songs i used here, from the ones i used on the tittles to the other ones that are mentioned throughout the chapters. you can find it [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Kb0LPPJINjv0SICfi2u2J?si=4-DmOdU8ROCHa8LuKOAy_A&utm_source=copy-link) !
> 
> without further ado, here u go (this one is just plain smut istg) !!
> 
> \- may 💖

> _**a stranger's heart without a home.** _

"I brought a couple of things," Gerard announced once he got inside the small apartment, it was the same as he remembered it. He looked longingly at the radio that was still in the living room, along with some CDs.

"Great! What did you bring?" Frank asked from his room, where he was putting on something more comfortable.

"Not much, I just need you to help me with my hair."

Frank came out in a simple black T-shirt and his joggings, he seemed to be wearing pajamas. " _Cool_ , can I have my clothes back?"

Gerard blushed, and clumsily pulled the two garments out, making the boy laugh. "Y-Yeah, sure, here."

"Thanks." Frank smiled and winked at him, he left the clothes along with the rest that were dirty. "So, how was your birthday? I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

"Oh, well, it was good. Nothing too special." He sat on the sofa, relaxing a he watched the brown haired boy putting some music on. "Though they gave me a cupcake."

Frank chuckled softly, getting up as the album began, to sit next to him, on his side. "Yummy."

"Yep..." Gerard also got on his side, chuckling once he recognized the song. " _Mazzy Star_? How cheesy."

"Ah, shut up, I love this song."

_'I want to take a breath that's true'_

The singer (Gerard didn't know her name) sang softly while they stared at each other for a little longer, Frank stroked his hand.

"I missed you." He leaned a little closer and a little curve formed at the corner of his lips.

"Me too." Gerard fully approached him, invading his personal space, lowering his head and positioning it on his chest.

Frank caressed his back.

_'You live your life, you go in shadows'_

"What would you like to do? We'll do whatever you want, after all this is like your birthday," Frank said to him while he kissed his head with little pecks.

"Mmm... Hug me a little more?"

Frank smiled, and obeyed.  
He hugged him tighter, and little by little they both were completely lying on top of the couch.

_'... Fade into you_  
_Strange you never knew'_

Frank massaged his hair as he ran his other hand down his back, noticing how he'd gained a bit of weight, which was obviously good, since it seemed like the older boy never used to eat at all before.

Gerard relaxed to the soft touch, sighing. He settled a little better on his chest and interlocked their legs together, his hands were resting by his head, he was falling asleep. Frank was not bothered at all, he let the older man rest.

_'Fade into you..._  
_I think it's strange you never knew'_

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

Gerard opened his heavy eyes, yawning in discomfort. The other boy woke up at the same time, both had fallen asleep the remaining forty minutes of the album. Way stretched out, making the body beneath him slightly uncomfortable.

"Stay still- Gee!" he exclaimed when the blond accidentally hit his face.

"Oh, sorry, baby." Gerard kissed him apologetically, Frank smiled into the kiss.

"It's okay, just-" another kiss, "be more careful..."

Gerard nodded and properly settled on top of him, continuing their kisses between sighs. Frank began to feel groggy, either from the kisses, his want to sleep, or both.

"Gee..." He caressed his waist.

"Please, I didn't get to have you to myself all this time." He grabbed Frank by the neck and made him get up. Now they were both sitting on the sofa, Gerard could feel his member through his clothes. "Just, let me..." he spoke incoherently on his lips and then brushed their tongues together, moaning in the process.

Frank didn't know what to do with his hands. He chose to put them on his waist, and then caress his skin under his shirt, making him sigh.

As if it were possible, their make out session began to heat up and intensify even more, Gerard even took off his shirt.

"I want to feel you everywhere, Frankie... _Ah_." He grabbed and caressed his cut hair and nape while he kissed his neck. "Touch me, please, touch me."

Frank kept licking and sucking on his neck, brushed his nipples with his fingers and reached down lower, unbuttoning his jeans. He caressed his member gently, Gerard moved his hips; now, being sober, he could feel everything with sheer sensitivity, he needed more.

"Frankie, damn it, _oh..._ " He threw his head back for a moment, and then concentrated on his body and grabbed Frank's hand, making him touch him harder, they both groaned.

Frank faced him to kiss his mouth passionately, moving his hand a little more.

"I adore you."

"Yeah?" Gerard gasped, he felt his body would fall at any moment, and Frank slightly and unconsciously humping him did not help.

"Yeah, I could do this every day, agh." Frank licked his lips when he felt how wet the blond was.

"Then do it, God, Frankie," he grabbed the back of his neck to feel their bodies closer, his breath colliding with his bare chest. "Fuck me. _Fuck me as many times as you want_."

Iero didn't need to be told twice.

He grabbed his body by the thighs, making Gerard let out a small cry in surprise; he kissed him when he realized they were heading to his room. Frank pushed him onto his bed and their hips crashed together, Gerard groaned in need. The innocence they've had about an hour ago was now gone.

Frank began to kiss him all over his body, going down until he was on his belly, Gerard breathed to try to relax. He gave wet kisses down the area, taking off the clothes that still remained, their shoes had already flown.

The brown haired boy kissed his thighs in the same way, Gerard settled his legs on his shoulders and grabbed his hair lightly, urging him to continue while moaning loudly. However, Iero stopped and licked two fingers, leading one to his entrance, making him jump when he felt it inside him without warning.

"Shit, Frank!" His mouth became "o" shaped, he closed his eyes while his throat let out involuntary sounds.

He grabbed Iero by the neck, forcing him to kiss him; their tongues moved together and their teeth collided a couple of times, Frank put in another finger, Gerard moved his hips to feel him deeper.

"Please do it now," the blond pleaded, not only because of necessity, but also because he really didn't know how much longer he could hold his orgasm.

Frank completely undressed, Gerard was panting and staring at the ceiling, startling when he felt him between his legs, his knees still on his shoulders. Way thought they weren't using a condom, but then he realized they never had, so it didn't matter.

Frank continued kissing him sweetly, caressing his sides. He parted their mouths to push his cock into him, he was so tight.

"M-Mmm, Frank." When he almost bottomed out, the oldest began to moan with his eyes closed. "Frank... God, Frankie, ah." He kept his eyes closed as he arched his back, the mentioned just looked at him.

He admired how he moaned somewhat like a plea, a request.

Frank kissed his cheek and stroked his hair, pulling it back. He began to move a bit slowly, waiting for Gerard to get used to it. They both looked at each other while panting, Frank continued to caress his body, Gerard hugged him by the neck to then kiss him. As the thrusts began to increase, the older man's legs began to tire, so he made Iero settle down to get on top of him.

"You're so pretty, Gee," he whispered in his ear; his back was leaning against the wall, the mentioned legs were around him, his hands caressed his butt and lower back. "So pretty..." He licked his neck, making him moan and start to move.

Gerard threw his head back, the shoulder-length blond hair moved with him and his hips. The brown-haired boy went crazy just looking at him. Minutes passed by quite fast, their movements intensified. Way truly wanted to feel him everywhere, until he couldn't take it anymore.

And yes, he confirmed that having sex with Frank while he was clean was amazing, maybe even better. It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed anything before, but it wasn't specifically a need, or a desire.

But well, what wasn't a need with Frank Iero?

Of course he did it anyway, well a shag never hurt anybody; but now, being clean, it was something else. Cocaine had stolen his usual sex drive, but now he was back for revenge. Those three months with nothing to give him some kind of euphoria were powerless, forgotten in the past, being replaced by the despair of the moment.

"I'm gonna cum," he announced, and Iero grabbed one of his buttocks tightly. "Ah! _FrankFrankFrankFrank_." His name became a mantra, as if it was the only thing he knew how to say. He grabbed his own member while the boy left messy hickeys on his chest, since it was difficult to do it properly when the older man was moving so much. "I like you, I like you a lot, _fuck_ , I like you so much."

"Me too, pretty boy," the man replied against his lips, looking into his eyes, and feeling how his entrance was pressed against him. "God, Gerard."

The mentioned gasped loudly, exploding in the other's abdomen, one of his hands digging his nails on his shoulder, his forehead against the other, still panting. He groaned when he felt Frank cum seconds after him, his seed being inside him once more.

They stayed like that, both trying to regulate their breathing, but Gerard raised his head to kiss him with some force, making them move a bit; the kiss softened little by little, as well as their movements. Frank got out of the oldest, who lay down by his side, wiping his sweaty forehead. Iero grabbed some toilet paper for them to clean up. They were both flushed, like they hadn't seen each other naked before. Frank laughed and tossed the trash into the bin next to his nightstand, to then lay with Gerard.

He caressed his waist and kissed his forehead, the blond hugging him again. He rested his head on his chest, with his arm still around him, Gerard stroked his hair.

"Do you want to order some pizza?" he asked casually, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah, but don't move yet."

Gerard smiled when he felt how he caressed him, and gave him a little kiss on the head. "Never, I couldn't. But don't fall asleep, aye."

Frank laughed and, as if possible, held their bodies closer.

"I missed you, Frank. I missed you a lot." His tone was tender, but at the same time, it sounded like he said it with fear, as if it wouldn't be a mutual feeling.

Frank looked at him and confirmed his theory: Gerard's brows were furrowed, confused; and his eyes showed some concern. He grabbed him by the chin and gave him a peck. "I missed you too, baby, _you know that already, right?_ "

Gerard sighed, relieved, and gave him another kiss.

Frank grabbed his hand to lift him. "Come on, let's order that pizza, it's on me." He winked as he put on some boxers and the shirt he previously had on.

Gerard got dressed too, but went straight to the closet of the room and grabbed a T-shirt that looked a bit too big for Frank. He put it on, one of the many _Arctic Monkeys'_ logos covered it.

"You never get tired, do you?" The owner of the clothing looked at him with an incredulous smile.

"Nope, it's gonna take you a while to get rid of me, Frankie." He kissed him and they both left the room.

He was right.


	16. be mine.

> _**i don't wanna spite god with my given fear, i just want euphoria the more you're here.** _

"If you cut my eye, I'll kill you, dwarf," Gerard said between teeth, nervously closing his eyes so that his hair wouldn't get into it.

"Shut up! You said you wanted it short, let me do my job." Frank grabbed pieces of blonde hair that later fell to the bathroom floor, a Strokes' album was playing from the 'living room'. "There, is that okay?"

Gerard approached the mirror and looked at himself carefully, now his hair was the same length as any other boy, short.

"I look like a lemon."

'Yes, a cute lemon." Frank began to remove the things from the bag he had brought yesterday. "Are you sure you want to dye it?"

"Yep. Hurry up, hairdresser," he said laughing, earning a light smack to the back of his neck; he sat on a little chair for Frank to finish his 'work'.

After applying the black dye all over his hair, they decided to take advantage of the forty minutes there were left to make lunch.

"So, never ever?"

"Mhm, I've never eaten meat; I mean, I did try, but I've already had the habit since I was a kid, so it's not my thing," the shorter man answered, making the sauce for the noodles.

"Ugh, how? I love meat, it's so... _oof_."

"I bet it is." Frank laughed and shook his head, grabbing the salt to flavor the food.

Soon, they finished and began their ritual; sit in front of that old TV and eat, waiting for the oldest's hair to change its color.

"I can't believe I'll be thirty already," he expressed as Frank washed his hair in the sink.

"You're barely twenty-five, Gerard." He massaged his hair with an old towel, Way grabbed his head to continue doing it on his own.

"Exactly, and I still haven't got what I want." He looked at himself in the mirror with contempt. "I don't even know what I want."

Frank sighed and hugged his waist, resting his head on his shoulder, over the towel that the black-haired man still had on, making him look like a nun.

"Don't you have any dreams?"

"Well... I always wanted to leave this place, ever since I was little. But I never got the chance." Gerard caressed his hand gently, listening carefully. "But I have the band now, and that's a great achievement. I never thought that I could get to anything with music, my passion."

"You never tried to do it on your own? Like, go solo?"

"Nah. I wrote things, yeah, but they are not very good." He pulled away from him to rub the towel against his damp hair once more. "Besides, all of us don't have an angelic, loud voice like you do, cutie."

Gerard blushed. "Well, yeah, but you could try." He cleaned his ears stained with dye. "Would you show me?"

"Mmm, no. So embarrassing." Frank grabbed the small hair dryer that he hardly used, and began to pass the air through Gerard.

" _Aww_ , come on, I'm sure it isn't that bad."

"Yes, it is." Gerard growled, making him laugh. "Once I become famous, you might listen to them, although I doubt it; I have enough with _My Chem_."

"Speaking of which... What about rehearsals?"

"Well, the days you weren't here, we hung out a couple of times, but it didn't help much. We needed you."

Gerard pretended to get emotional, putting a hand on his chest and pretending to wipe a tear, Frank passed the hot air over his face, making him stop.

"Well, I missed them too, really." Gerard said once Frank finished. "But I'm a little terrified."

"Why?"

Was he really asking him that?

"I think about it all day, Frank."

"Using?"

Gerard lowered his head, embarrassed. Frank stroked his chin.

"It's normal, Gee, you've been through a lot. But, hey," he looked at him in the eye, "we're here to help you with whatever you need, there are a lot of people who love and appreciate you-"

"Besides my family?" he expressed sarcastically.

"Yes, of course. I... appreciate you."

The black-haired man was dumbfounded. Frank smiled at him but he stayed hard in his place. Then, he began to cry, loudly. He didn't know why, maybe it was because of everything he had to deal with lately, or because he really hadn't taken the time to vent.

Or maybe it was Frank's words that caused it, he really didn't know.

The only thing he saw afterwards was the wall of the bedroom of the house, feeling how Frank hugged him tightly from behind, calming his sobs.

And, for a second, he could feel the boy's tears mix with the collar of his shirt.

° • ° • ° • ° • ° • °

"You were talking about dreams earlier... What about yours?"

Gerard settled better on his chest, Frank stroked his recently dyed hair; his crying session lasted about half an hour.

"Well... I did have the fantasy of leaving here, but something always stopped me. I traveled a lot with Bert, so I stopped having the need."

Frank tensed a little when he heard his name. "Do you... miss him?"

Way sighed. "From time to time. I don't know if I miss him more, or what we were doing."

Iero felt a little more insecure. _What were they doing? What exactly did that mean?_

He decided not to put his feelings afloat, it was not the time. Instead, he stayed silent, one hand still on the older man's head.

They didn't say anything for a while, the atmosphere had turned a bit tense. Frank closed his eyes and resumed his activity of stroking his hair, deciding not to think.

Gerard got closer to him, hugging his waist. It seemed that this was all they did: eat, talk, cuddle, sleep; that's the only thing they needed, they didn't get bored of each other. However, Gerard did want to change. Not because he didn't appreciate him or because he was tired of him, on the contrary, he wanted to be enough for Frank. He didn't want his image to stick to being a fucking junkie who had no job. Obviously, Frank didn't think that, but _he_ did; his family did, _surely_.

Deep down, he wished things would've been that way with Bert. Maybe, if he hadn't been so intense, and if the older one hadn't been so proud, maybe... just maybe, it would be the two of them lying on a bed. Clean and in love.

But it was pointless to think hypothetically, in the "what would have happened if...", it was useless. He was here now, hugging a certain boy who, to tell the truth, drove him crazy.

"What are you doing?" Iero asked him in the middle of a slight laugh when he felt his lips kiss his jaw. Gerard continued giving him kisses all over his neck, tickling him.

"Mmm..." he kissed her mouth, "I appreciate you too, a lot."

"Yeah?" Frank raised an eyebrow and smiled, he didn't believe him.

"Yes, silly." He kissed him quickly again, the body below him laughed. "I'm serious!"

"Okay, okay, now!" He tried to grab his wrists to stop the tickling with which he had begun to attack him. "I believe you!"

Gerard looked at him and stopped, biting his lip, grabbed his face and suddenly kissed him passionately, Frank moaned in surprise.

Yes, he was going to change.  
Yes, he was going to get better.

But he still needed to understand that it didn't have to be because of Frank, or his family, and even less because of Bert;

_He had to do it for himself._

And that's one of the hardest things to accept.


End file.
